i like just the way you are

venusundae @ 2024-07-29T23:15:00

2024-07-30T07:17:36Z

something might have just happened in the world. or maybe just my household. but that's a pretty significant world to me.

i don't know yet what it means. but i thought i should write it down.( Read more... )

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upsidedown.

2024-07-26T15:56:50Z

Can a journal entry be a prayer?
As much as anything else may be

A sob.
A joke.
A midnight snack or pile of clothes whose fate lay undecided.
A haircut.

On bended knee and palms together I wonder whether this could really be enough
After every silent prayer
Every cell in my body screams into the universe
Each in their own unique language
Over again
With every breath I take

Will saying please be enough?
Will an offering finally push things over the edge?
Is it me who isn't ready?

Is it me?

Who isn't ready?

Can a journal entry be a prayer?

A youtube history?
A receipt for candles and matches?
A poem?

Because if so
This prayer has taken a long time to be heard
No wonder nobody has answered yet

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final crunch

2024-07-15T17:58:39Z

cw death, dead bodies, pollution

I sometimes imagine the corpse of the body I'm leaving behind
Bobbing in the sun
A tiny piece of the great Pacific garbage patch

All my human problems
Made even more measly
Than my fat body undulating with the mounds of trash on the open water

Every foul sin
And brutal harm stored within this flesh
Piled high with castles of plastic and silicone

That don't even stink as they die

Not like this body does
As viscera once my own leaks out of every orfice
And every cavity
Their gasses punch through flesh
In pretty pink ribbons

Rivers of blood
Like what washed through villages and temples and cultures
Weaving across a shiny foil landscape

Still greased and dotted with potato chip crumbs

The grave left for me by those
Who resent
That they won't profit off my casket sale

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[cries in gay ass spanish]

2024-06-04T18:05:19Z

it's pride month and we're so back

( gayyyyyy )

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searching

2024-05-18T04:05:17Z

i have been thirsty before
and yet every time i fail to hydrate enough
i am born anew, a Man with Thirst, fresh to the experience every time
sometimes i wonder if to be human
is simply
to crave, to receive and to crave
again

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you? drool.

2024-05-10T23:32:23Z

tw sexual assault, internalized homophobia, abelism

once an acquaintance asked impulsively how i had such a bad memory for [an autistic person]. entirely ignoring the abelism sprout emerging from the ignorance dirt to answer that question in earnest, there were 15 seconds of my life where i entertained a joke of an answer. in the deep dark recesses of my mind, i questioned how to make a punch line out of getting my head inconsiderately smashed against headboards by sloppy frat boys, making me the patriarchy's feminine counterpart to the indoctrinated footballer who gets his own micro concussions from a national pastime.

i didn't realize how much i got my head smashed during sex until i started fucking women.

( not that the ladies don't like it rough )

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and in that wig?

2024-04-30T01:15:09Z

my body currently hurts so bad that i have been in bed all day and yesterday. this happens to me to some degree every time i perform. i've learned lately just how much trauma i am filtering and releasing every time i put myself out there in front of a crowd on a stage. likely why i am so called to keep doing it besides not identifying as an entertainer (yea whatever i'll unpack that one another time).

( i produce drag shows sir )

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sooo back

2024-03-06T18:20:22Z

life has been painful.

i've been, to understate it, quite overwhelmed with a lot i have going on lately lmao. in the massive transitions my life has gone through in the past six months, i allowed myself to let go of habits that i know to be good for me.

writing is one of them. i already know that journaling saves my life and yet here i sit, not doing it! i also enjoy having a log of my life to look back on. some of that should be in private poetry but some of it i want to slap down right here on dreamwidth. it's been nice over the years to come back home here and remember myself.

i also pledged to write 150k words this year haha. i haven't been able to do that since the pandemic lock down but i'd love to continue to try~

i have a lot to talk about.

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weird lesbian poetry part 83259

2022-12-05T08:00:27Z

hey imma do that thing where i demand of myself i write a bunch of shitty poetry all the time, daily, knowing that statistically i will end up with at least some good stuff. and also to just practice doing and completing to overcome the habit of getting stuck in executive function perfectionism cycles or whatever.

the intention is to be back tomorrow. the likelihood of this is low. but i'm fine w failing in that intention bc i've set it up to be low effort enough that i don't feel bad missing a day or coming back in 8 years. ya know!

take this i wrote it in 10 minutes!

( is this allowed? )

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her eyes are the ocean and her breasts are also the ocean

2022-07-15T04:05:33Z

it takes me a hot ass minute to fall in love w a bitch. there are walls up in here and whateva. and i'll go back and forth w myself about how fleeting certain feelings may be for a long time bc the vulnerability of it all is the worst part and the last detail i ever want to admit to.

but i think once i'm craving to write poetry for her there's no backing out now.

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i'mmm a potato

2021-07-17T06:15:05Z

i miss posting on dreamwidht and for a while i felt like i had to make a big fat hoo rah in order to come back but i am drunk now since i just came from a very embarrassing work event and SO

look at this corny prop i bought for our "be fthe future" liek retro futurism themed fundraiser at work i felt snazzy wearing it and also i am justifying the purchase bc i will come up with a glados cosplay w this visor later LOL

um me before getting drunk at the event hello:

and me rn:

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[sad bossa nova noises]

2021-02-23T18:56:45Z

up until february 22, officially speaking, and as far as any of the general public was aware, daft punk were a duo literally my entire life long! 28 years?! that's as old as i am and that's wild to me. i was listening to daft punk as a little kid. i was listening to daft punk yesterday!

my brother and i have actually been working on a song that is very deliberately inspired by daft punk! and he was the first person i told when i found out haha

NO i cannot say i was wringing my little hands just waiting desperately in anticipation for their next album or anything, i know it's been a while since they were super active, but i am still bummed. especially since the goodbye video was kinda drastic (and also v stylish and beautiful, thank you~)

so long daft punk, and thank you for everything. ~~but i'm not crossing a concert off my bucket list just yet okay i'm just saying~~

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it's almost worse when they have like calming piano music

2020-12-17T20:38:47Z

yes, i have a therapist. yes, i think i do my best reflection and internal self development at 2am while watching blackhead extraction videos. yes, i have a favorite youtube playlist of them.

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alone, in the dark, and aloud

2020-11-23T19:18:51Z

me going crazy talking to myself while editing my own erotica
( nsfw technically but not explicitly lmao )

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my palm aches

2020-11-02T04:46:49Z

some people

certainly get lonely

but, personally, my least favorite part about living alone

is frantically googling "how to open jar" at 9 at night while my quesadillas are sizzling in the pan bc i cannot for the life of me get my jar of nopales open please

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i've got a lot going for me, as you can see

2020-10-01T05:28:19Z

talents: making my friends in a discord call rave about how good i am at imitating jack black singing fnaf

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and that's just arizona baby

2020-09-06T23:03:25Z

this happens at least twice a week

somebody i am in a call with: hey, where are you?

me: what do you mean?

somebody: it sounds like you're driving

me: oh, no. i just have like. a few fans on. and this one is pointing right at my face...

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smh none of the jokes i make on purpose ever pan out but this is the shit that people laugh at?

2020-06-30T23:28:57Z

my friend was telling me about how his mom left a watermelon in her car for a week, and i was certain it must be at least a lil dehydrated but wtf do i know about plants. he knows that there's "something you can do" like tap on it to find out if it's ripe or whatever else, and is passionately grilling me about it as though i would just know off the top of my head.

i say to him, "i don't know what to do with a watermelon. i'm not a farmer. i just want to date a farmer."

he laughs for like. 45 seconds straight. and then tells me "that needs to be the title of your memoir, right."

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i GUESS i will be emo over snsd for the rest of my life but i probably already knew that

2020-05-10T18:15:50Z

UM i didn't wake up expecting to see all these sappy posts about soshi getting back together to perform at their former manager's wedding and i'm such a sucker ( cries in pastel pink )

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if all goes well, i will miss being able to hide behind glasses when i go too hard on the eyeshadow

2020-04-26T04:24:06Z

i'm planning on incorporating "print pushing" into my daily routine in the hopes it will help me better my eyesight. which, in one way, from a certain angle, with a very particular perspective, could be said: i am planning on reading more fan fiction. you know. for my health.

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we're in this 5ever dude

2020-04-14T18:27:28Z

I woke up this morning and saw an email saying somebody left kudos on a fic i wrote in 2016 and literally out loud yelled "what?"

then i realized it was 4/13.

happy homestuck i'm still a fuckin nerd over this shit wassup

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if my face is covered that's social-distancing-friendly right?

2020-04-03T05:25:23Z

i keep trying to tell myself i don't even like robots. but i said it at the end of last season and i'll say it again, the lost in space robot makes me emotional and i just want him to be content in his weird life.

if i ever get into cosplay again i legitimately want to cosplay this goddamn robot.

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and then they make it their job to represent my splendor

2020-03-31T23:39:57Z

ideal partner goals: they talk about me the way seohyun fans talk about seohyun

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but i love talking to this lil guy

2020-03-22T19:46:08Z

my little brother got animal crossing: new horizons and it is so cute! he told me that agnes reminds him of me because "she always wears pink."

"wow and look at those lashes."

"yea and also the lashes. and because i always go talk to her all the time she's like 'oh it's you again'."

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well with THAT attitude see if i even have friends after it all

2020-03-22T19:30:50Z

this morning my buddy called me and mentioned a video he posted to a few group chats we're in saying he loves everyone and is here for them in these trying times. he said it's been weird being away from people.

and truly, right on the very breath i was taking to speak the words "haha it hasn't been long enough for me to miss anyone, i'm too much of an introvert," he interrupts me by starting to cry and say he misses everybody and he is trying to be better about not dismissing his importance to people and imagine that if he misses them it means other people miss him too and it's just been really hard on him.

thank god for the impeccable timing of his emotional breakdown am i right!?

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