venusundae | hue hue huehgudskfkh (Reply)

okay. so. a handful of things has happened recently lmao.

and it's kind of wild but i also know it's like. just the first steps of everything becoming even wilder and that's okay bc i've noticed it and so i feel i can prepare for it. but i'm just saying. it's a lot. like i keep saying "ugh i should write about this" both so i can process it and also so i can refer to it later as more shit develops.

but omg. there's just so much. and thinking about it all makes me go think about other things so. bullet points lmao

FIRST OF ALL. annoying point about what i just mentioned, how this shit makes me think of other shit too much too fast. most irritatingly i'm thinking about people i haven't talked to or worried about in ages. i'm sitting here rambling aloud to myself about how awful person b in my terrible trio of abusers from the past five years or whenever, and it's so useless bc it's not even cathartic i'm just like wtf i hate you and i was done thinking about you go away
that's the main theme i think is shit is coming back that i was done with. yesterday somebody i haven't talked to since last year messaged me about another person i haven't talked to in so long, inquiring about a server w a group of pals that i left on absolute purpose bc i just couldn't deal w how frustrated and annoyed they made me. i'm like pls... pls don't make me think about any of the other people i used to associate w lmfao
also i'm just saying this to complain, it probably isn't relevant to the bigger picture lmao but when said person messaged me it was to literally say hey you should go send a message to so-and-so about such-and-such bc he told me he wanted to ask you but didn't think he would be brave enough to so i came to tell you that i was like ? ?? what the fuck no i'm not doing that? also "brave enough"? i'm not mad at him over shit so what the fuck has he done since i last talked to him that would need him to be "brave" to talk to me omfg
there's the theme tho: i am in a better place than i was for said past five years of my life. i'm in a much better place than i was last year even! and i stopped talking to all those people i used to be friends w not bc i disliked them as people necessarily, but bc i was growing and changing in a direction that they weren't in, and it did not benefit me anymore to hang out w them. in some cases i literally like couldn't even communicate w them lmao like we were just on such different wavelengths i couldn't even come up w relevant shit to say back to them so i just didn't. i think that's why nobody said anything when i left, in any of the lil groups that i did leave, bc i slowly got so quiet anyway it didn't make a difference
that being said, i'm not in the unhealthy negative headspace that i was in just last year. but last night i had like a mini breakdown lmao. like, just a lil. super minor. i made a cryptic emoji-only post on facebook (that i forgot about until someone messaged me about it this morning akjsdh) while having a panic attack, and i cried and felt hopeless floating in the abyss and all that good jazz. honestly miles from any of the wild ass episodes i used to have like weekly. but the most coherent and reoccuring thought i can remember during all of it was thinking i don't want to go back to this. i don't want to be this person i used to be. i don't want to return to that suffering ever again
idk how necessary the bullet points are but they're making me feel better so fuck it
there were glitchy noises while i was on the phone w my mom and they freaked me the fuck out. i thought whoever was doing it was trying to tap into my long lost childhood fear of aliens lmfao. collette immediately assumed it was demons. i was like oh my god, stfu. she was like don't think this don't think that i was like bitch you're lucky i'm not literally anybody else bc saying that shit to a person is just gonna make em actually think it! don't think about purple elephants! don't do it!!!
again. regression is the theme of the night! i started getting all crushy only like... lmao days ago, right. i even made a stupid post about that too! and even tho i'm not head over heels and literally like nothing has happened yet i started thinking about it and i haven't thought about romance in ages. like i haven't let myself! on purpose, bc it distracted me from me and the healing and progress i needed to make on the most personal individual basis first. and now that i am it just brings me back to that same place where i was thinking about romance at all which is also something i did back when i was in those awful harmful relationships. nothing is even happening. i'm just thinking about it having happened? and i think that kind of contributed to the meltdown last night.
otherwise tho i am making a lot of really great progress in my life! like i am actually starting to move in certain directions. i am making real ass changes i can see working and changing me for the better, in a way i want to change in. and it's taking me to a place where i have the confidence and freedom and resources to start working on projects i have been excitedly brainstorming about for years
like i literally was feeling so great and happy about all the progress i was making so quickly, and i was in the perfect ass mindset for keeping on w all of that and everything
some of the projects i want to do will help people. i know that. i don't even want to do them for that very reason either, but i know it's true. really my biggest motivator is just living my own damn life and making things that i like and that i am proud of and creating my own space in the world that looks and feels and smells and tastes and sounds how i want it to. but i know that in doing so if first and foremost gives other people permission to do so themselves. like, seeing other people be happy and living their most authentic self in everything they do in a way that doesn't harm anyone? if they can do it why can't i!
i wanna be on a "lesbian artists you should know about" list at least once in my life lmao
but there are also projects i wanna do that i know i'll want an audience for, and i know i want to add purposeful lil aspects to the final product that will positively affect the viewer. i don't even know why? i just think it'd be cool to see how it helps people. and i mean. there's no downside to helping people. either it doesn't work and oh well. or it does and that's cool! i'm not even all that invested in like "i have to change the whole world all by myself" or any of those lofty things i thought i had to make part of my mission when i was younger, or else i was a phony sellout! or whatever. nah, i just think it'd be pretty cool
but i don't think of myself as like. a helper. or like. idek. i can't even think of any words for it! like. i don't think of the things i wanna do and think "ah, it's bc i'm going to help so many people in such a great way hue hue" it's just like. i just wanna make shit. i just want to make a pretty piece of the world that is mine and looks like me.
my point being, when there are entities and forces around that i keep being told are trying to keep me from growing and owning my power (so much power!!!) or bringing any light to the world, i don't get it. bc i don't feel powerful and i don't rly feel all that benevolent or helpful or whatever lmao. i'm just like. tryin to live my damn life. i even get exasperated sometimes like ! but i'm not even doing anything that significant! i just wanna draw pretty shit and make corny things. like that's not gonna change the world that much so why do you care to stop me wtf
i mean ngl it's kinda cool to imagine maybe my shit will have a bigger positive impact on more people than i could have ever expected. but again. i'm not expecting it!
so again. going back to a previous bullet point (i don't think that's how bullet points are supposed to work lmao) i was making progress and doing super well and actually taking action. like. moving! whereas i have been healing over the past year, and that's been great of course but i was also kinda just chillin in regards to everything i was doing and making and whatever. all my projects were still brainstorm clouds and i kept it all for a future day. but now - like literally three days ago now - i was actually thinking about what real ass steps to take first. and so i think. that that also. kinda. brought these forces out again to stop me. bc i wasn't just chillin anymore! i was gonna try and do shit
my dreams!!! about the countdowns! funnily enough i also made a post about that too har har. but i remembered them this morning bc like. i didn't know what they meant, but i def thought they meant something. bc they were back to back, and then a parallel message irl like right after i woke up ya know? and i even said in that post "uh yea not relevant. at least now right now" and i even passively thought maybe it was about someone else but rly. i didn't feel like it was? i thought it was too much to just be a side "oh my friend is paranoid and stuff" thing.
so now i'm wondering whether something is like. ~brewing~ right. like something might be happening either w me or to me and i need to prepare myself and all of this happened the way that it did so i would notice it before it sneaks up on me. maybe i can even avert it. i don't know. i don't know anything just yet.