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me, all the damn time: ugh why does everybody terrible love me just -dramatic hair flip- so much?
me, all the damn rest of the time: hi everybody this is venus and i love her and make her part of everything i do please be nice to her even tho she doesn't care if you are or not
NOT me, somehow: ah, i understand what is happening here
( whoops )
me, all the damn rest of the time: hi everybody this is venus and i love her and make her part of everything i do please be nice to her even tho she doesn't care if you are or not
NOT me, somehow: ah, i understand what is happening here
( whoops )
nothing nothing nothing
Jun. 6th, 2019 01:03 pmi have always felt guilty over not wanting to harm my abusers or anybody else that the culture tells me i should want to hurt in ways that are considered conventional. but if i am the ruler of my own universe then i do kill them by simply erasing their memory in my mind. goodbye forever
is this the full moon in scorpio's fault?
May. 22nd, 2019 04:55 pmlegit feel like i've gone back in time three years lmao.
so i guess the warped reality sensations aren't over yet! i keep thinking about people i haven't talked to in ages. my best friend called me the other day drunk as hell with "the tea". and she told me shit about four different people who neither of us has talked to in years, but it was all shit i knew so it was really weird? i was like "girl pls you cannot be this drunk." she tried to tell me one of our friends is engaged and has a kid i was like i know! i've known since i met him and i'm the one who introduced him to you! she tried to tell me other stuff, all of which was junk that i told her first, months ago.
i don't think she remembers that phone call either which makes it feel even more eerie~~*~*~*~
i went to an event planning meeting the other day using a lil meeting room at starbucks and one of the baristas looked like an ex of mine only like a foot taller. and usually that'd honestly probably have ruined my week, if not given me a panic attack just with all the stupid (really... STUPID) thoughts it brought back up in me (they were... a really bad ex lmao). but this time it didn't. i was just kinda like "ah ah ah, i know why you're here!". (to myself. in my head.)
meaning this is just where i'm at right now i guess! having to watch life happen as tho i haven't spent the last three years changing the vast majority of aspects of my waking life, but with all the knowledge i've gained in that time. it's frustrating. mostly because i've had to admit to myself that i've actually moved on from a lot that i never thought i would, and that i have - in some ways, regrettably - forgiven many people i didn't think i'd ever forgive this fast.
shaking my fist at the healthy mental journeys that inevitably accompany healthy coping skills and life habits. what if i had wanted to hold molten hot grudges forever, huh!?
so i guess the warped reality sensations aren't over yet! i keep thinking about people i haven't talked to in ages. my best friend called me the other day drunk as hell with "the tea". and she told me shit about four different people who neither of us has talked to in years, but it was all shit i knew so it was really weird? i was like "girl pls you cannot be this drunk." she tried to tell me one of our friends is engaged and has a kid i was like i know! i've known since i met him and i'm the one who introduced him to you! she tried to tell me other stuff, all of which was junk that i told her first, months ago.
i don't think she remembers that phone call either which makes it feel even more eerie~~*~*~*~
i went to an event planning meeting the other day using a lil meeting room at starbucks and one of the baristas looked like an ex of mine only like a foot taller. and usually that'd honestly probably have ruined my week, if not given me a panic attack just with all the stupid (really... STUPID) thoughts it brought back up in me (they were... a really bad ex lmao). but this time it didn't. i was just kinda like "ah ah ah, i know why you're here!". (to myself. in my head.)
meaning this is just where i'm at right now i guess! having to watch life happen as tho i haven't spent the last three years changing the vast majority of aspects of my waking life, but with all the knowledge i've gained in that time. it's frustrating. mostly because i've had to admit to myself that i've actually moved on from a lot that i never thought i would, and that i have - in some ways, regrettably - forgiven many people i didn't think i'd ever forgive this fast.
shaking my fist at the healthy mental journeys that inevitably accompany healthy coping skills and life habits. what if i had wanted to hold molten hot grudges forever, huh!?
getoffamegetoffamegetoffame
May. 17th, 2019 05:14 pmso yea i guess clearing is the theme of the hour and i'm still at it!
i started a corny longfic years ago that was rly sappy but made me feel all fuzzy and shit inside, right. but life happens and i kind of sort of stopped updating after chapter 4 whoops. i want to finish it! and even tho i've been idly thinking so for three years i'm actually starting to write it again and it's just making me stupidly happy honestly.
BUT what i did not anticipate (but probably should have) is that suddenly - getting back into the headscape i was in when outlining this story - i also brought back up a lot of that absolute SHITTY feelings and ideas and junk that was happening back when i first started writing: embarrassing memories galore and awkward resentment over crummy people i haven't thought about in ages ugh
thankfully it's not too overwhelming. or at least i am not letting it be. i only had to straight up PAUSE my life for a few hours to kinda Skillz my pathologies back onto their designated shelves, thank you. i already had the notion of "wow! i'm a very different person today than i was three years ago" just by going through my notes and realizing what i'd change about the story now. so the subsequent baggage that decided to hitch a ride on up from my subconscious didn't have too great of a foothold at least. sometimes being over-saturated with self-awareness has it's perks, right :D
who knows if anybody is ever gonna read this anymore. good thing i don't care! i think i am just in desperate need for some absolutely self indulgent sap and also crave feeling accomplished by actually finishing one of my ever growing list of wip creative projects big and small. so fuck the haterz i'm being embarrassing and corny and having fun doing it bye
i started a corny longfic years ago that was rly sappy but made me feel all fuzzy and shit inside, right. but life happens and i kind of sort of stopped updating after chapter 4 whoops. i want to finish it! and even tho i've been idly thinking so for three years i'm actually starting to write it again and it's just making me stupidly happy honestly.
BUT what i did not anticipate (but probably should have) is that suddenly - getting back into the headscape i was in when outlining this story - i also brought back up a lot of that absolute SHITTY feelings and ideas and junk that was happening back when i first started writing: embarrassing memories galore and awkward resentment over crummy people i haven't thought about in ages ugh
thankfully it's not too overwhelming. or at least i am not letting it be. i only had to straight up PAUSE my life for a few hours to kinda Skillz my pathologies back onto their designated shelves, thank you. i already had the notion of "wow! i'm a very different person today than i was three years ago" just by going through my notes and realizing what i'd change about the story now. so the subsequent baggage that decided to hitch a ride on up from my subconscious didn't have too great of a foothold at least. sometimes being over-saturated with self-awareness has it's perks, right :D
who knows if anybody is ever gonna read this anymore. good thing i don't care! i think i am just in desperate need for some absolutely self indulgent sap and also crave feeling accomplished by actually finishing one of my ever growing list of wip creative projects big and small. so fuck the haterz i'm being embarrassing and corny and having fun doing it bye
so i'm working through some like ya know [dramatic gulp] BELIEFS
and it's annoying and difficult lmao but i know it's helpful. and it's especially weird feeling when you come around to understanding a belief that you know is just. so stupid. like so much Not on the same level as the person you are trying to be. like who would think this??? an eight year old!???!! (yes, probably exactly)
but look at me i guess i am writing them down! bc suddenly you accidentally open one can of worms and oh my god. there are so many worms? i knew the can was full but holy shit? and so it gets complicated just trying to Remember them all.
the one that's hittin me rly hard today is the idea that like. i've wanted to lose weight for a while. i'm not super unhealthy but i just don't feel like myself and i have stopped doing sfx makeup junk bc i feel weird taking pictures of my face and i use it as an excuse to not have fun at certain events w my friends and smh it's so much harder to buy pants rn lmao. and ofc even if i don't want to say i think so, i know that Society and Co have taught me that being fat is shameful and so there's that aspect to it as well.( oh kaaay )
and it's annoying and difficult lmao but i know it's helpful. and it's especially weird feeling when you come around to understanding a belief that you know is just. so stupid. like so much Not on the same level as the person you are trying to be. like who would think this??? an eight year old!???!! (yes, probably exactly)
but look at me i guess i am writing them down! bc suddenly you accidentally open one can of worms and oh my god. there are so many worms? i knew the can was full but holy shit? and so it gets complicated just trying to Remember them all.
the one that's hittin me rly hard today is the idea that like. i've wanted to lose weight for a while. i'm not super unhealthy but i just don't feel like myself and i have stopped doing sfx makeup junk bc i feel weird taking pictures of my face and i use it as an excuse to not have fun at certain events w my friends and smh it's so much harder to buy pants rn lmao. and ofc even if i don't want to say i think so, i know that Society and Co have taught me that being fat is shameful and so there's that aspect to it as well.( oh kaaay )
(no subject)
Mar. 23rd, 2019 11:22 ami got druuunk last night for the first time in months bc i really wanted to have a good time seeing my brothers show! and i did!!! but it's honestly still rather
ⓓ ⓘ ⓢ ⓐ ⓟ ⓞ ⓘ ⓝ ⓣ ⓘ ⓝ ⓖ
lmao. i wish i had friends i could have a simple fun evening with while also being sober but oh well! at least i didn't say that out loud to anybody last night so i guess there's that ☺️
ⓓ ⓘ ⓢ ⓐ ⓟ ⓞ ⓘ ⓝ ⓣ ⓘ ⓝ ⓖ
lmao. i wish i had friends i could have a simple fun evening with while also being sober but oh well! at least i didn't say that out loud to anybody last night so i guess there's that ☺️
[sad bee emoji]
Mar. 20th, 2019 03:57 pmwalking around the corner i saw some bushes rustling and i thought it was bees and i got so excited but it wasn't. it wasn't bees and i am so depressed right now i can't wait until it is warm and sunny and the bees bounce around the flowers again and i have all the desire i need again to go back to my goals instead of these tiny ego soothing motions i'm fumbling with lately ho hum
hey do you ever just like
close one eye for a really long time and focus on lomng blocks of text or other really easily jumbled visual patterns like that until your brain stops making up the depth perception it's used to and the whole world flattens and the room spins a lil and you just kinda slip yourself through the flimsy creases in reality and get stuck in the same "who am i? but who am i?" void you get in sitting on the chair in the kitchen watching dinner being made when you are six years old
bc i hadn't done that in years and didn't even realize so until i yanked that shit right back into circulation and i'm a lil upset over it ho hum
close one eye for a really long time and focus on lomng blocks of text or other really easily jumbled visual patterns like that until your brain stops making up the depth perception it's used to and the whole world flattens and the room spins a lil and you just kinda slip yourself through the flimsy creases in reality and get stuck in the same "who am i? but who am i?" void you get in sitting on the chair in the kitchen watching dinner being made when you are six years old
bc i hadn't done that in years and didn't even realize so until i yanked that shit right back into circulation and i'm a lil upset over it ho hum
(no subject)
Jul. 2nd, 2018 04:51 pmhrmnmnrm i'm here nervously waiting for my v first meeting/consultation dealio w a new therapist for emdr and idk why i am scared or even what i am scared of? not being like stable enough to actually go through w it? or not knowing how to handle a life where i am not actively sad and hurt over a million things a day? idk!
but there is a live laugh love sign in this office that's literally right above the psych hospital i was in only a few years ago and i think that's a hilarious image of my progress so i'm just clinging to that til things feel better
but there is a live laugh love sign in this office that's literally right above the psych hospital i was in only a few years ago and i think that's a hilarious image of my progress so i'm just clinging to that til things feel better
i've been so down and dramatically hurt by shit lately so i'm tryin the whole gratitude thnx bye thing but like kicked up a notch lmao
i keep forgetting but i'm trying to make it a habit. lately the way someone has been treating me has brought back a hell of a lot of repressed shit from not just one, but the last two abusive relationships i was in haha HAHA and like while i know it isn't this person's fault it stresses the fuck out of me and i jump to conclusions and think they hate me and can't not be ignoring me on purpose and make fun of everything i do behind my back and i keep expecting them to say something demeaning or nasty to me in front of all our friends to try and embarrass me and twist shit around and make it sound like i'm a dumbass who just doesn't remember anything ever when really they are gas-lighting tf out of me like in broad ass daylight. omg. anyway. basically, tho, nothing that i have any logical reason to expect from this person.
in fact the exact opposite. if we were looking at this logically i don't even think i'm important enough to this person for them to ever talk to me again if they didn't have to. which is fine bc same. we just happen to have a number of mutual friends and so see each other from time to time at get togethers.
and i feel so bad, honestly. like. i feel really just ? ?!?!?!? bad??? idek what other word to use. it just feels shitty to keep expecting abuse from someone who i have zero reason to think is even remotely cruel like that. and also feels bad to realize i am still hung up over shit people did to me that i don't want to give any power to every again but boo hoo looks like it isn't that easy to just brush shit off.
but okay point: attitude of gratitude. thanking the fuck out of shit that hurts me. and rly this bitch shouldn't even be hurting me this much. we're not even friends we're just chill acquaintances who see each other a lot lmfao. that's probably another reason why it's so frustrating bc i'm just like "why ! ! ! do i even care!?"
anyway anyway anyway...
THANK YOU. thank you, you, for letting me know that i still have issues over pain i thought i had healed from that i should spend time working on. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can make efforts to release my baggage when i am ready to and THANK YOU for showing me that i wasn't as ready as i thought i was in the past. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can look to my own self for validation when i don't get it from the outside world. THANK YOU for being unabashedly yourself even when it clashes with certain parts of the world, and even when some of those parts are mine. THANK YOU for giving me permission to be unabashedly my own self, too.
i hope we really can be good friends some day, even if it takes a while. but don't feel bad it takes a while w literally everyone i'm pals w okay. thank you.
i keep forgetting but i'm trying to make it a habit. lately the way someone has been treating me has brought back a hell of a lot of repressed shit from not just one, but the last two abusive relationships i was in haha HAHA and like while i know it isn't this person's fault it stresses the fuck out of me and i jump to conclusions and think they hate me and can't not be ignoring me on purpose and make fun of everything i do behind my back and i keep expecting them to say something demeaning or nasty to me in front of all our friends to try and embarrass me and twist shit around and make it sound like i'm a dumbass who just doesn't remember anything ever when really they are gas-lighting tf out of me like in broad ass daylight. omg. anyway. basically, tho, nothing that i have any logical reason to expect from this person.
in fact the exact opposite. if we were looking at this logically i don't even think i'm important enough to this person for them to ever talk to me again if they didn't have to. which is fine bc same. we just happen to have a number of mutual friends and so see each other from time to time at get togethers.
and i feel so bad, honestly. like. i feel really just ? ?!?!?!? bad??? idek what other word to use. it just feels shitty to keep expecting abuse from someone who i have zero reason to think is even remotely cruel like that. and also feels bad to realize i am still hung up over shit people did to me that i don't want to give any power to every again but boo hoo looks like it isn't that easy to just brush shit off.
but okay point: attitude of gratitude. thanking the fuck out of shit that hurts me. and rly this bitch shouldn't even be hurting me this much. we're not even friends we're just chill acquaintances who see each other a lot lmfao. that's probably another reason why it's so frustrating bc i'm just like "why ! ! ! do i even care!?"
anyway anyway anyway...
THANK YOU. thank you, you, for letting me know that i still have issues over pain i thought i had healed from that i should spend time working on. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can make efforts to release my baggage when i am ready to and THANK YOU for showing me that i wasn't as ready as i thought i was in the past. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can look to my own self for validation when i don't get it from the outside world. THANK YOU for being unabashedly yourself even when it clashes with certain parts of the world, and even when some of those parts are mine. THANK YOU for giving me permission to be unabashedly my own self, too.
i hope we really can be good friends some day, even if it takes a while. but don't feel bad it takes a while w literally everyone i'm pals w okay. thank you.
honestly, and it's pretty corny and simple, but i just want to be understood(no subject)
May. 18th, 2018 01:45 pm so here's a thing i've been thinking about but won't know if i can even articulate it unless i start trying to so here goes:
when you're like. doing kind of awful. its easier to look at Things and be like yes i need that, right. like self help Things or therapy Things or coping mechanism Things. bc everything is blatant. those Things titled and taglined with words like "how to approach change without fear". and then also personal quotes saying things like "fear scares me!" and so on. like that's a simple way of explaining it, and often it's hard to even get around to admitting those blatant things, but point...
once you start kind ooof... getting better? healing and learning to deal and figuring things out and managing your own shit healthily it's harder to both find Things you think you still need or even realize that you do. because well yea certain stuff hurts you still, or is tough or you avoid it and still don't know how to handle it, right. but you're mostly okay! so it's fine to not pursue the kind of self help that comes w blatant wording that makes sense for the old far-more-broken-you than today-you.
but you're still not all the way there. you're not 100% healed and fine and ready to move on. you've just found a middle ground where you can become complacent. and then you stop progressing. and those wounds are still there open and a lil raw and anything unexpected could come along and rip them wide open bc this is as good as you're gonna let it get.
when you're like. doing kind of awful. its easier to look at Things and be like yes i need that, right. like self help Things or therapy Things or coping mechanism Things. bc everything is blatant. those Things titled and taglined with words like "how to approach change without fear". and then also personal quotes saying things like "fear scares me!" and so on. like that's a simple way of explaining it, and often it's hard to even get around to admitting those blatant things, but point...
once you start kind ooof... getting better? healing and learning to deal and figuring things out and managing your own shit healthily it's harder to both find Things you think you still need or even realize that you do. because well yea certain stuff hurts you still, or is tough or you avoid it and still don't know how to handle it, right. but you're mostly okay! so it's fine to not pursue the kind of self help that comes w blatant wording that makes sense for the old far-more-broken-you than today-you.
but you're still not all the way there. you're not 100% healed and fine and ready to move on. you've just found a middle ground where you can become complacent. and then you stop progressing. and those wounds are still there open and a lil raw and anything unexpected could come along and rip them wide open bc this is as good as you're gonna let it get.
13.e paralysis
May. 16th, 2018 09:37 am
how do you move your body? kick hard and sharp with your foot? or caress tenderly with your hand? or click your tongue in annoyance? electricity buzzing down nerve endings and through synapses and neurotransmitters diffusing. but how do you do it?
you think it. you want it. and it's yours, to the greatest degree that you believe in your skill it happens. (because i am certain i'd be a better dancer if only i had the faith in me right).
and that's miraculous and awe-inspiring and powerful all at once as it is also terrifying. because when you are stuck beneath invisible bondage, strict as doctrine, heavy as lies, and unrelenting as ticking seconds, you can think and think and think to move but somehow all the majesty and power in that second-nature command you could once task your muscles with is taken and you never knew the formula to get it back. you never needed to. it was always there.
thoughts can be heavy and pain can be exhausting and when one's heart takes over for the brain as a last saving grace it'll take a hell of a talking around her to get her to give you that power back. she taps into auto-pilot, and takes you through driving cars and answering emails and sometimes even drinking orange juice the best she knows how. but you're the one that knows how to turn novel pages, and wink corny at cute girls, and run after kites and dance wiggly and stupid and fun, and feed yourself real food so until she gives you your power back you can't move. you can only watch your body stumble about at the hands of an apprentice puppeteer until you can shake off enough heaviness to convince you and her both that, hey, you've got this.
heart is just doing what she thinks is best for you. but neither of you have all the information ever, so you need to work together.
or else you'll get stuck
13.d fatigue
May. 14th, 2018 03:07 pm
exhaustion is an excuse and has just the power of all the oceans that crash down upon your chest knocking all the air from your lungs. just the weight of canyon walls crumbling down upon you. just the strength of whipping swirling winds ripping apart homes, yours and the bird's and the rabbit's, too. exhaustion is as immense in it's hold on you as it is in how it reassures you that it has no such thing. it excuses your own passions to yourself, and it excuses your own obligations to thy neighbor. and it is in being so universal and unmysterious and plain that gives it its insidiousness.
they give you chemicals to make you smile. the more you smile the easier it is for them to turn a blind eye. and you do smile and it doesn't hurt your face but neither does it reach your eyes and every cell of your body is pulled toward the center of the planet like soul mate magnets and you can't move. you can't breathe. you can't think. you don't wake up wanting death and that's the desired side effect on paper but the reality is you don't wake up thinking of every hideous thing that hurt you because you don't wake up at all.
so you stop swallowing pills whenever you can because there is no improving a life that isn't lived and your tired heavy hands can't open the bottles anymore anyway. and every particle of your soul is pulled toward the dark and throbbing wounds of your heart and mind and body like soul mate magnets but it's a pain that is familiar. it is a limp you've learned how to dance with and dance with rather deftly, thank you. and it's a life that hurts but it's also a life you are alive to live so you'll find another way to smile.
boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo
May. 11th, 2018 01:09 am
im sad and i'm here to write about it lmao is this what this blog is for? as much as i'd love to document every moment of my life and thoughts here just for my own personal record, i normally only write here when i have time (wow) but i mean i have the most time ever when i'm sad and it's midnight so i can't think of an excuse while still burping tequilla ( 💔 )13.c vulnerability
Feb. 14th, 2018 07:59 pm
try your best, dear one of mine, to keep yourself from growing wounds in the etheric, for they are a self-feeding source of madness.
when something you didn't even realize could triggers the fuck out of you while you're just trying to have fun and you suddenly gotta leave bc you're not about to have a fucking meltdown in a fancy secluded dimlt lit bar smh ( boo hoo hoo )
13.b defense
Dec. 16th, 2017 12:00 pm
'to defend' is a stretched synonym of 'to fight', and comes with images of furrowed brows and clenched jaws, cold metal and colder stares. brick walls and massive storms in the shape of humans ready to wreak havoc upon any threat to their cause.
but sometimes a defense is quieter and subtler. they hide in plain sight by drawing down their visage to mundane, to unexceptional, to just enough conventional unpleasantness to create an aversion at the first impression. fortresses are sometimes made of plush hips and wide thighs and invisibility charms. the farther out the physical shield reaches the more padding to protect the fragile heart within. expand the growing body to protect the stunted child it hides. and your first line of defense is the prerequisite of a second-glance before the wall takes on assault.
