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Jul. 29th, 2024 11:15 pmsomething might have just happened in the world. or maybe just my household. but that's a pretty significant world to me.
i don't know yet what it means. but i thought i should write it down.( Read more... )
i don't know yet what it means. but i thought i should write it down.( Read more... )
upsidedown.
Jul. 26th, 2024 08:42 amCan a journal entry be a prayer?
As much as anything else may be
A sob.
A joke.
A midnight snack or pile of clothes whose fate lay undecided.
A haircut.
On bended knee and palms together I wonder whether this could really be enough
After every silent prayer
Every cell in my body screams into the universe
Each in their own unique language
Over again
With every breath I take
Will saying please be enough?
Will an offering finally push things over the edge?
Is it me who isn't ready?
Is it me?
Who isn't ready?
Can a journal entry be a prayer?
A youtube history?
A receipt for candles and matches?
A poem?
Because if so
This prayer has taken a long time to be heard
No wonder nobody has answered yet
As much as anything else may be
A sob.
A joke.
A midnight snack or pile of clothes whose fate lay undecided.
A haircut.
On bended knee and palms together I wonder whether this could really be enough
After every silent prayer
Every cell in my body screams into the universe
Each in their own unique language
Over again
With every breath I take
Will saying please be enough?
Will an offering finally push things over the edge?
Is it me who isn't ready?
Is it me?
Who isn't ready?
Can a journal entry be a prayer?
A youtube history?
A receipt for candles and matches?
A poem?
Because if so
This prayer has taken a long time to be heard
No wonder nobody has answered yet
final crunch
Jul. 15th, 2024 10:40 amcw death, dead bodies, pollution
I sometimes imagine the corpse of the body I'm leaving behind
Bobbing in the sun
A tiny piece of the great Pacific garbage patch
All my human problems
Made even more measly
Than my fat body undulating with the mounds of trash on the open water
Every foul sin
And brutal harm stored within this flesh
Piled high with castles of plastic and silicone
That don't even stink as they die
Not like this body does
As viscera once my own leaks out of every orfice
And every cavity
Their gasses punch through flesh
In pretty pink ribbons
Rivers of blood
Like what washed through villages and temples and cultures
Weaving across a shiny foil landscape
Still greased and dotted with potato chip crumbs
The grave left for me by those
Who resent
That they won't profit off my casket sale
I sometimes imagine the corpse of the body I'm leaving behind
Bobbing in the sun
A tiny piece of the great Pacific garbage patch
All my human problems
Made even more measly
Than my fat body undulating with the mounds of trash on the open water
Every foul sin
And brutal harm stored within this flesh
Piled high with castles of plastic and silicone
That don't even stink as they die
Not like this body does
As viscera once my own leaks out of every orfice
And every cavity
Their gasses punch through flesh
In pretty pink ribbons
Rivers of blood
Like what washed through villages and temples and cultures
Weaving across a shiny foil landscape
Still greased and dotted with potato chip crumbs
The grave left for me by those
Who resent
That they won't profit off my casket sale
you? drool.
May. 10th, 2024 03:06 pmtw sexual assault, internalized homophobia, abelism
once an acquaintance asked impulsively how i had such a bad memory for [an autistic person]. entirely ignoring the abelism sprout emerging from the ignorance dirt to answer that question in earnest, there were 15 seconds of my life where i entertained a joke of an answer. in the deep dark recesses of my mind, i questioned how to make a punch line out of getting my head inconsiderately smashed against headboards by sloppy frat boys, making me the patriarchy's feminine counterpart to the indoctrinated footballer who gets his own micro concussions from a national pastime.
i didn't realize how much i got my head smashed during sex until i started fucking women.
( not that the ladies don't like it rough )
once an acquaintance asked impulsively how i had such a bad memory for [an autistic person]. entirely ignoring the abelism sprout emerging from the ignorance dirt to answer that question in earnest, there were 15 seconds of my life where i entertained a joke of an answer. in the deep dark recesses of my mind, i questioned how to make a punch line out of getting my head inconsiderately smashed against headboards by sloppy frat boys, making me the patriarchy's feminine counterpart to the indoctrinated footballer who gets his own micro concussions from a national pastime.
i didn't realize how much i got my head smashed during sex until i started fucking women.
( not that the ladies don't like it rough )
and in that wig?
Apr. 29th, 2024 06:00 pmmy body currently hurts so bad that i have been in bed all day and yesterday. this happens to me to some degree every time i perform. i've learned lately just how much trauma i am filtering and releasing every time i put myself out there in front of a crowd on a stage. likely why i am so called to keep doing it besides not identifying as an entertainer (yea whatever i'll unpack that one another time).
( i produce drag shows sir )
( i produce drag shows sir )
life has been painful.
i've been, to understate it, quite overwhelmed with a lot i have going on lately lmao. in the massive transitions my life has gone through in the past six months, i allowed myself to let go of habits that i know to be good for me.
writing is one of them. i already know that journaling saves my life and yet here i sit, not doing it! i also enjoy having a log of my life to look back on. some of that should be in private poetry but some of it i want to slap down right here on dreamwidth. it's been nice over the years to come back home here and remember myself.
i also pledged to write 150k words this year haha. i haven't been able to do that since the pandemic lock down but i'd love to continue to try~
i have a lot to talk about.
i've been, to understate it, quite overwhelmed with a lot i have going on lately lmao. in the massive transitions my life has gone through in the past six months, i allowed myself to let go of habits that i know to be good for me.
writing is one of them. i already know that journaling saves my life and yet here i sit, not doing it! i also enjoy having a log of my life to look back on. some of that should be in private poetry but some of it i want to slap down right here on dreamwidth. it's been nice over the years to come back home here and remember myself.
i also pledged to write 150k words this year haha. i haven't been able to do that since the pandemic lock down but i'd love to continue to try~
i have a lot to talk about.
weird lesbian poetry part 83259
Dec. 5th, 2022 12:41 amhey imma do that thing where i demand of myself i write a bunch of shitty poetry all the time, daily, knowing that statistically i will end up with at least some good stuff. and also to just practice doing and completing to overcome the habit of getting stuck in executive function perfectionism cycles or whatever.
the intention is to be back tomorrow. the likelihood of this is low. but i'm fine w failing in that intention bc i've set it up to be low effort enough that i don't feel bad missing a day or coming back in 8 years. ya know!
take this i wrote it in 10 minutes!
( is this allowed? )
the intention is to be back tomorrow. the likelihood of this is low. but i'm fine w failing in that intention bc i've set it up to be low effort enough that i don't feel bad missing a day or coming back in 8 years. ya know!
take this i wrote it in 10 minutes!
( is this allowed? )
it takes me a hot ass minute to fall in love w a bitch. there are walls up in here and whateva. and i'll go back and forth w myself about how fleeting certain feelings may be for a long time bc the vulnerability of it all is the worst part and the last detail i ever want to admit to.
but i think once i'm craving to write poetry for her there's no backing out now.
but i think once i'm craving to write poetry for her there's no backing out now.
i'mmm a potato
Jul. 16th, 2021 10:32 pmi miss posting on dreamwidht and for a while i felt like i had to make a big fat hoo rah in order to come back but i am drunk now since i just came from a very embarrassing work event and SO
look at this corny prop i bought for our "be fthe future" liek retro futurism themed fundraiser at work i felt snazzy wearing it and also i am justifying the purchase bc i will come up with a glados cosplay w this visor later LOL
um me before getting drunk at the event hello:
and me rn:
look at this corny prop i bought for our "be fthe future" liek retro futurism themed fundraiser at work i felt snazzy wearing it and also i am justifying the purchase bc i will come up with a glados cosplay w this visor later LOL
um me before getting drunk at the event hello:
and me rn:
[sad bossa nova noises]
Feb. 22nd, 2021 02:28 pmup until february 22, officially speaking, and as far as any of the general public was aware, daft punk were a duo literally my entire life long! 28 years?! that's as old as i am and that's wild to me. i was listening to daft punk as a little kid. i was listening to daft punk yesterday!
my brother and i have actually been working on a song that is very deliberately inspired by daft punk! and he was the first person i told when i found out haha
NO i cannot say i was wringing my little hands just waiting desperately in anticipation for their next album or anything, i know it's been a while since they were super active, but i am still bummed. especially since the goodbye video was kinda drastic (and also v stylish and beautiful, thank you~)
so long daft punk, and thank you for everything.but i'm not crossing a concert off my bucket list just yet okay i'm just saying
my brother and i have actually been working on a song that is very deliberately inspired by daft punk! and he was the first person i told when i found out haha
NO i cannot say i was wringing my little hands just waiting desperately in anticipation for their next album or anything, i know it's been a while since they were super active, but i am still bummed. especially since the goodbye video was kinda drastic (and also v stylish and beautiful, thank you~)
so long daft punk, and thank you for everything.
yes, i have a therapist. yes, i think i do my best reflection and internal self development at 2am while watching blackhead extraction videos. yes, i have a favorite youtube playlist of them.
alone, in the dark, and aloud
Nov. 23rd, 2020 12:12 pmme going crazy talking to myself while editing my own erotica
( nsfw technically but not explicitly lmao )
( nsfw technically but not explicitly lmao )
my palm aches
Nov. 1st, 2020 09:30 pmsome people
certainly get lonely
but, personally, my least favorite part about living alone
is frantically googling "how to open jar" at 9 at night while my quesadillas are sizzling in the pan bc i cannot for the life of me get my jar of nopales open please
certainly get lonely
but, personally, my least favorite part about living alone
is frantically googling "how to open jar" at 9 at night while my quesadillas are sizzling in the pan bc i cannot for the life of me get my jar of nopales open please
and that's just arizona baby
Sep. 6th, 2020 03:59 pmthis happens at least twice a week
somebody i am in a call with: hey, where are you?
me: what do you mean?
somebody: it sounds like you're driving
me: oh, no. i just have like. a few fans on. and this one is pointing right at my face...
somebody i am in a call with: hey, where are you?
me: what do you mean?
somebody: it sounds like you're driving
me: oh, no. i just have like. a few fans on. and this one is pointing right at my face...
my friend was telling me about how his mom left a watermelon in her car for a week, and i was certain it must be at least a lil dehydrated but wtf do i know about plants. he knows that there's "something you can do" like tap on it to find out if it's ripe or whatever else, and is passionately grilling me about it as though i would just know off the top of my head.
i say to him, "i don't know what to do with a watermelon. i'm not a farmer. i just want to date a farmer."
he laughs for like. 45 seconds straight. and then tells me "that needs to be the title of your memoir, right."
i say to him, "i don't know what to do with a watermelon. i'm not a farmer. i just want to date a farmer."
he laughs for like. 45 seconds straight. and then tells me "that needs to be the title of your memoir, right."
UM i didn't wake up expecting to see all these sappy posts about soshi getting back together to perform at their former manager's wedding and i'm such a sucker ( cries in pastel pink )
