i like just the way you are

life has been painful.

i've been, to understate it, quite overwhelmed with a lot i have going on lately lmao. in the massive transitions my life has gone through in the past six months, i allowed myself to let go of habits that i know to be good for me.

writing is one of them. i already know that journaling saves my life and yet here i sit, not doing it! i also enjoy having a log of my life to look back on. some of that should be in private poetry but some of it i want to slap down right here on dreamwidth. it's been nice over the years to come back home here and remember myself.

i also pledged to write 150k words this year haha. i haven't been able to do that since the pandemic lock down but i'd love to continue to try~

i have a lot to talk about.

yes, i have a therapist. yes, i think i do my best reflection and internal self development at 2am while watching blackhead extraction videos. yes, i have a favorite youtube playlist of them.

talents: making my friends in a discord call rave about how good i am at imitating jack black singing fnaf

my friend was telling me about how his mom left a watermelon in her car for a week, and i was certain it must be at least a lil dehydrated but wtf do i know about plants. he knows that there's "something you can do" like tap on it to find out if it's ripe or whatever else, and is passionately grilling me about it as though i would just know off the top of my head.

i say to him, "i don't know what to do with a watermelon. i'm not a farmer. i just want to date a farmer."

he laughs for like. 45 seconds straight. and then tells me "that needs to be the title of your memoir, right."

my brother purchased a mini pecan pie just so he could break a bill, and then says to me

"what is it called when the nut you put in a pie uses military tactics to locate an enemy or target?"

after five minutes of half-assed arguing and him laughing about how much i am going to hate him for this, the answer is: pecan-naissance

i keep denying the less than ideal weather predictions and it's not helping me be all that prepared, if you could imagine such a thing.

okay fine, so everyone is convinced it's gonna snow. but there's no way it's gonna be that much, right?

 

my cat's got a lot to say about all of this
 

a lot has been going on lately!!! i am directing two pieces in the theater's spooky ghost walk type experience thing! i am running half the sound for dracula because there are over 150 total cues that one sound tech couldn't do alone! i am officially a voting board member of a local lgbt 501c3! i am co-directing a show going up in december and trying to start rehearsals with only part of a cast! i'm trying to find the rest of said cast! i am doing props for frozen the musical (junior!) that i haven't even started yet because i am waiting for all of that other stuff to subside!

but i am also the chillest i have ever been in my life. my new motto seems to be "i'm not worried about it" because i end up saying so at least twice a day in complete earnest.

and it probably makes me sound like an asshole, or at least sarcastic. i said so about tech just tonight at the end of dracula rehearsal and the stage manager looked at me with raised eyebrows and said "you're not worried? you're not worried!"

and it's not like i don't know there's still shit to be done. boy howdy there is still a lot of shit to be done. and i keep showing up and doing it. increased optimism =/= decreased work ethic, right? we open next thursday and i have zero clue how it will even look by then. but i trust it will all work out for some reason? and even if i am wrong, god is it way less exhausting existing this way.

i feel so corny just writing this down rn. which is so silly. because have you met me? or even, have you glanced for a second in my general directon? Corny City. but i keep thinking about this...

i drove my sister's car today for the first time ever so she could use mine to go to of town. and uh, i suck at it. i feel all kinds of uncomfortable and i'm not used to how sensitive her pedals are and so my commute is all jerky and awkward and i'm picturing the entire time how i will explain to the cop that pulls me over for my erratic driving that i'm sorry! this is my first time operating this particular vehicle, officer!

i was never pulled over. nothing bad happened at all. it just throws me out of my comfy ass element that i have hand tailored into my own routine driving experience. the embarrassing part requires the context that i've been watching 'another life' on netflix for the past few days. i really enjoy it! i've generally never gotten super into any space exploration type shows like that, but i tried this one on a whim and i dig it. i've heard it's like any other show before it of the genre, but that doesn't matter to me becase i've never seen em!

later in the day, after the sun had already set, i had to drive the Unfamiliar car once more to pick up my brother. as soon as i got into the car and sat there in the dark noticing that her gear shift interface doesn't light up, i was on edge and already imagining all the unfortunate scenarios i could end up in, at night, in a car i suck at driving. at night! in the dark at night. the radio in her car is broken, so i was just alone with all the sounds of vehicle on road. and i had the breif passing thought in the quiet darkness of something like "heh it's like i am driving a rover in space or some shit." just like in the show i had literally just paused before getting into the car.

and that was it. so easy. panic attack averted. fuck it. i got this. bc maybe i can vaguely pretend to myself i am an astronaut bc i've been binging sci fi. what a nerd?!

i think i'm mostly still thinking about this because i haven't used fandom~ to explicitly Cope in a few years now. rather i've been using it to process past things to be coped with? as though there is a definite timeline to these things haha. i think describing it that way just makes it easier to be like "hey see! i am healthy and well adjusted now!!!" as though life aint always throwing stupid shit at us that we might need harmless coping mechanisms to power through with here and there. if anybody else had told me this i'd just say "haha cute" and move on w my life! but i'm sitting here still shaking my head at what a loser i am lmao

have you ever wondered how to create a self fulfilling prophecy? just keep fucking talking about it! your pals out there in the ether luv to Validate you i promise.

"i don't think he really likes anybody."

"no he likes sylvia, doesn't he?"

"oh yea i think you're right..."

"well you're likeable that doesn't count!"

"yea i'm scared of what she says about me behind my back"

"i don't think she says anything, she actually likes you"

"yea sorry you're just so likeable!"

god i am so tired. i was legit sick for like 95% of summer stock jr. but it went well! the kids prepared some sweet gifts for me and the other instructor which included cookies and i've already eaten most of them. i just realized i never made a post of all the goofy shit the kids say like i do for other shows. you see this!? that's how off i am. but i had fun and i'll miss them and the show went great even with all the weird setbacks we ran into. if i never get my act ❤️ enough to actually make a real post about it here i am saying i am content and grateful. also those cookies were so good.