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Jul. 5th, 2018 08:36 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
venusundaecurrent status: pretty gay
future goal: a pretty gay
i've got a useless and annoying hang up w not dressing or acting or being my 100% authentic self all the time. which probably would sound goofy to anyone who hangs out w me irl bc of the unconventional way i dress and my coplex w honesty. but i hold back a lot. frankly i wanna dress even more outlandish! i have aspirations of living ultimately on purpose and a big paft of that is creating an intentional ambiance with the aesthetic of everything i wear and every place i live and every project i am involved in.
an aside: i think the words "beautiful" and "pretty" point to different things, and sometimes overlap but are otherwise inclusive but unique. beautiful, to me, is like a qualith of utterly pleasing genuity. and pretty, again, to me, describes a specific kind of being purposefully dolled up, even if not too elaborately, or w more attitude than dress, etc. anyway! that's what i mean when i say i wanna be pretty. not that i can't be or am not beautiful~ just in a human way or whatever, but that te specific quality i feel a lack of rn is a confidence to dfess up in a fun way!
but, inconveniently enough, i don'tttttt rly want people looking at me for it??? lmao i don't need random attention but i wanna go out and do COOL things while dressed in COOL things! but just for me. and maybe whoever else i am chillin w. and then only have people look at me and think of me and pay any attention to me exactly when and how i want.
this, i imagine, is an entirely universal desire, of course. wow, you long for the power to discern how nosy people are allowed to be about you? get i. line. but lately it's become a weird obsession of mine. and it's even trickier bc i want a lot of attention? lmao. but only in ridiculously specific ways. i want people to pay attention to my art. i want to bring positivity to people's lives w certain projects i have planned. and just have fun making shit and teaching shit and giving people permission to be their authentic selves by being my own authentic self and creating my own piece of the world exactly how i want it to be.
but i see the way that masses cling to anyone or anything that gets attention lately and scrutinizes it and puts it on the highest pedestal so that the fall from any small mistake is absolutely devestating. and i try to logic my way out of shit and tell myself i don't know why i am so worried because i have true intentions and i honestly just wanna have fun and make cool neat things and express myself through art and also when i fuck up i listen to criticism so in a logical world i should be able to just go w the flow and learn as i go along.
but then i see people get irrationally upset and antagonistic toward people just bc they're "too popular" or "well they're just annoying" or other stupid petty bullshit that happens in any regular ole human dynamic except that w all this attention fixed on you it is magnified so much and it's scary, honestly? it's scary that people feel such a right to the privacy and intimacy of things that get attention and it makes me hate that i even want attention even tho i know it's just a basic ass human need.
i just want to be myself~~~ really but the more i do that the more attention i get and i'm scared of it going sour. like it's debilitating. i don't show my art to anyone anymore. i haven't for years. i last updated my website like months ago, and it's not bc i haven't created anything new since then!
i'm just scared.
that being said. i'm still - maybe stupily - optimistic. i don't think it's something i can't get over and work around. i do think i can protect myself so that i can just have fun and not need to worry as much as i am rn. but it's been weighing on me for a while and i tend to benefit from articulating things in writing when it's the last thing i want to do lmao
anyway. here's to living our best lives as our truest selves, now and as we discover more and more just who that true self really is as the journey progresses. and here's to letting go of fear and healing with honesty. and here is to being pretty gay~
future goal: a pretty gay
i've got a useless and annoying hang up w not dressing or acting or being my 100% authentic self all the time. which probably would sound goofy to anyone who hangs out w me irl bc of the unconventional way i dress and my coplex w honesty. but i hold back a lot. frankly i wanna dress even more outlandish! i have aspirations of living ultimately on purpose and a big paft of that is creating an intentional ambiance with the aesthetic of everything i wear and every place i live and every project i am involved in.
an aside: i think the words "beautiful" and "pretty" point to different things, and sometimes overlap but are otherwise inclusive but unique. beautiful, to me, is like a qualith of utterly pleasing genuity. and pretty, again, to me, describes a specific kind of being purposefully dolled up, even if not too elaborately, or w more attitude than dress, etc. anyway! that's what i mean when i say i wanna be pretty. not that i can't be or am not beautiful~ just in a human way or whatever, but that te specific quality i feel a lack of rn is a confidence to dfess up in a fun way!
but, inconveniently enough, i don'tttttt rly want people looking at me for it??? lmao i don't need random attention but i wanna go out and do COOL things while dressed in COOL things! but just for me. and maybe whoever else i am chillin w. and then only have people look at me and think of me and pay any attention to me exactly when and how i want.
this, i imagine, is an entirely universal desire, of course. wow, you long for the power to discern how nosy people are allowed to be about you? get i. line. but lately it's become a weird obsession of mine. and it's even trickier bc i want a lot of attention? lmao. but only in ridiculously specific ways. i want people to pay attention to my art. i want to bring positivity to people's lives w certain projects i have planned. and just have fun making shit and teaching shit and giving people permission to be their authentic selves by being my own authentic self and creating my own piece of the world exactly how i want it to be.
but i see the way that masses cling to anyone or anything that gets attention lately and scrutinizes it and puts it on the highest pedestal so that the fall from any small mistake is absolutely devestating. and i try to logic my way out of shit and tell myself i don't know why i am so worried because i have true intentions and i honestly just wanna have fun and make cool neat things and express myself through art and also when i fuck up i listen to criticism so in a logical world i should be able to just go w the flow and learn as i go along.
but then i see people get irrationally upset and antagonistic toward people just bc they're "too popular" or "well they're just annoying" or other stupid petty bullshit that happens in any regular ole human dynamic except that w all this attention fixed on you it is magnified so much and it's scary, honestly? it's scary that people feel such a right to the privacy and intimacy of things that get attention and it makes me hate that i even want attention even tho i know it's just a basic ass human need.
i just want to be myself~~~ really but the more i do that the more attention i get and i'm scared of it going sour. like it's debilitating. i don't show my art to anyone anymore. i haven't for years. i last updated my website like months ago, and it's not bc i haven't created anything new since then!
i'm just scared.
that being said. i'm still - maybe stupily - optimistic. i don't think it's something i can't get over and work around. i do think i can protect myself so that i can just have fun and not need to worry as much as i am rn. but it's been weighing on me for a while and i tend to benefit from articulating things in writing when it's the last thing i want to do lmao
anyway. here's to living our best lives as our truest selves, now and as we discover more and more just who that true self really is as the journey progresses. and here's to letting go of fear and healing with honesty. and here is to being pretty gay~
