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venusundaeme, all the damn time: ugh why does everybody terrible love me just -dramatic hair flip- so much?
me, all the damn rest of the time: hi everybody this is venus and i love her and make her part of everything i do please be nice to her even tho she doesn't care if you are or not
NOT me, somehow: ah, i understand what is happening here
i know i talk very casually about weird and complicated shit all the time, but this might get kinda trigging tbh. in fact that's probably exactly why i talk so stupidly about everything, because otherwise i'd be way too bummed all the time to grow and get all introspective and reflective and all that good shit. i also think part of me feels that the more casually i speak the more i can deflect the kind of cold and theoretical feminist breakdowns some people like pulling on shit that is my real ass life and i sometimes don't feel like being lectured on how i should feel over it lmao.
that being said, i know how silly it sounds every time i complain about how much people like me. of course i know! it's funnier to say it that way, and that is why i do. but here's what the real problem is, some of which i have glossed over before but now i'll take it all the way to the bitter ass end:
i have enough emotional intelligence to have a fair idea of how people want to be treated when i interact with them, and enough self preservation to just be in the habit to give it to them without thinking about it too much. it's a skill i've developed into something that i honestly just do naturally. insert a remiinder about mercury in libra here, bc damn. the disconnect comes up where on my side, i honestly feel during an interaction that i am only and solely being polite, but the other side thinks we have a friendship suddenly. one that i don't want to nourish or pursue.
sorry! i have trust issues. it's whatever. but it also means we need to have more than a few amiable interactions about the weather for me to consider you a friend. i don't think it's complicated. but i do understand why some people might not assume such a stance from me. oh well!
when i was a child this trait benifited my coping by allowing me to slippery slide on through a lot of uncomfortable social situations by going ragdoll til the momentum stopped. i was traumatized and nervous and felt so wrong in my own body that anywhere i went i felt loudly and unquestionbly unsafe. and, to say so with no accusatory air, kids pick up on that and they mirror it back to you. it's how we all cope w the horrors of growing up i guess. but without knowing what i was doing, i honestly think my habit of answering probing questions passively and politely and not reacting to acts of aggression sliced my bullying encounters in half throughout elementary and middle school.
so like boo hoo, but not as boo hoo as it coulda been!
now that i am an adult, and have been through the first six years of my life being cycled back to me a few times, i've been Thinkin about heavy shit for a long time now. feels like a job but i'm not getting paid! but i do get pats on the back from therapists for all the "good work" i have done so at least there is some validation. hooray. tho it also means i am less and less disinclined to just mention that heavy shit when it is incredibly relevant.
so for instance, when somebody at the theater is chatting w two of us in the office and Cool-Mom lecturing her daughter to not start drinking now that she's a high schooler, alcohol is destructive, have you seen how it ruins people's lives!? i've gotten comfortable enough chiming in saying bruh your mom is right, signed a recovering alcoholic. and that's it. but when my coworker is like "what!? i didn't know you were and alcoholic!" i know he thinks this was a deep dark secret and now we've just gained a few friendship points bc of it. sure, i know i clean up nice. but i was an alcohoic the whole time whether you knew about it or not! that's nothing, buddy. it's like mentioning i have lace curtains in the kitchen. it's just my life pal nbd.
god explaining this is hard. i wish i was drunk writing this lmao.
some might call it charisma? i'd love to say i wish i'd trade all my charisma points in for shrew traits tomorrow, so nobody would talk to me unless they melted through my cold exterior to love me for my true self! but alas, i'm still out here longing for intimate and genuine human connection so i'm taking what i can for now.
some days it doesn't feel worth it though.
i've had to tell people they didn't love me, they didn't even know me, they were just infatuated with a sweet idea of me, and told no i was wrong! they love me because i am nice and like the color pink! and that if i don't accept that they will hurt themselves in my name and tell our mutual friends to convince me to stop acting outside of the barbie doll mold they were trying to squish me into or else it will happen again, because they just really love me. i've been a narssicist's trophy, in a fucked up competition to win me so they could rub it in the face of mutual friends who openly had a crush on me ("sorry everyone just loves sylvia!"). i also was literally told they flirt with others in front of me because "it doesn't matter, since i already won you". i've been stuck between the rock and hard place of a stranger you talk out of suicide deciding he is in love with you after two hours of your first conversation, and not wanting to trigger him with rejection while having only so many gentle ways of very clearly and straigtforwardly turning down a date.
it's fuckin weird being surrounded by such affection and feeling absolutely isolated from genuine human connection at the same time.
in general, i've been pretty okay lately. but sometimes i get caught up in my lonliness and get a lil bummed out. i'll be back to my optimistic self after i wake up in the morning i am sure. but right now? damn. shit is kinda harsh
me, all the damn rest of the time: hi everybody this is venus and i love her and make her part of everything i do please be nice to her even tho she doesn't care if you are or not
NOT me, somehow: ah, i understand what is happening here
i know i talk very casually about weird and complicated shit all the time, but this might get kinda trigging tbh. in fact that's probably exactly why i talk so stupidly about everything, because otherwise i'd be way too bummed all the time to grow and get all introspective and reflective and all that good shit. i also think part of me feels that the more casually i speak the more i can deflect the kind of cold and theoretical feminist breakdowns some people like pulling on shit that is my real ass life and i sometimes don't feel like being lectured on how i should feel over it lmao.
that being said, i know how silly it sounds every time i complain about how much people like me. of course i know! it's funnier to say it that way, and that is why i do. but here's what the real problem is, some of which i have glossed over before but now i'll take it all the way to the bitter ass end:
i have enough emotional intelligence to have a fair idea of how people want to be treated when i interact with them, and enough self preservation to just be in the habit to give it to them without thinking about it too much. it's a skill i've developed into something that i honestly just do naturally. insert a remiinder about mercury in libra here, bc damn. the disconnect comes up where on my side, i honestly feel during an interaction that i am only and solely being polite, but the other side thinks we have a friendship suddenly. one that i don't want to nourish or pursue.
sorry! i have trust issues. it's whatever. but it also means we need to have more than a few amiable interactions about the weather for me to consider you a friend. i don't think it's complicated. but i do understand why some people might not assume such a stance from me. oh well!
when i was a child this trait benifited my coping by allowing me to slippery slide on through a lot of uncomfortable social situations by going ragdoll til the momentum stopped. i was traumatized and nervous and felt so wrong in my own body that anywhere i went i felt loudly and unquestionbly unsafe. and, to say so with no accusatory air, kids pick up on that and they mirror it back to you. it's how we all cope w the horrors of growing up i guess. but without knowing what i was doing, i honestly think my habit of answering probing questions passively and politely and not reacting to acts of aggression sliced my bullying encounters in half throughout elementary and middle school.
so like boo hoo, but not as boo hoo as it coulda been!
now that i am an adult, and have been through the first six years of my life being cycled back to me a few times, i've been Thinkin about heavy shit for a long time now. feels like a job but i'm not getting paid! but i do get pats on the back from therapists for all the "good work" i have done so at least there is some validation. hooray. tho it also means i am less and less disinclined to just mention that heavy shit when it is incredibly relevant.
so for instance, when somebody at the theater is chatting w two of us in the office and Cool-Mom lecturing her daughter to not start drinking now that she's a high schooler, alcohol is destructive, have you seen how it ruins people's lives!? i've gotten comfortable enough chiming in saying bruh your mom is right, signed a recovering alcoholic. and that's it. but when my coworker is like "what!? i didn't know you were and alcoholic!" i know he thinks this was a deep dark secret and now we've just gained a few friendship points bc of it. sure, i know i clean up nice. but i was an alcohoic the whole time whether you knew about it or not! that's nothing, buddy. it's like mentioning i have lace curtains in the kitchen. it's just my life pal nbd.
god explaining this is hard. i wish i was drunk writing this lmao.
some might call it charisma? i'd love to say i wish i'd trade all my charisma points in for shrew traits tomorrow, so nobody would talk to me unless they melted through my cold exterior to love me for my true self! but alas, i'm still out here longing for intimate and genuine human connection so i'm taking what i can for now.
some days it doesn't feel worth it though.
i've had to tell people they didn't love me, they didn't even know me, they were just infatuated with a sweet idea of me, and told no i was wrong! they love me because i am nice and like the color pink! and that if i don't accept that they will hurt themselves in my name and tell our mutual friends to convince me to stop acting outside of the barbie doll mold they were trying to squish me into or else it will happen again, because they just really love me. i've been a narssicist's trophy, in a fucked up competition to win me so they could rub it in the face of mutual friends who openly had a crush on me ("sorry everyone just loves sylvia!"). i also was literally told they flirt with others in front of me because "it doesn't matter, since i already won you". i've been stuck between the rock and hard place of a stranger you talk out of suicide deciding he is in love with you after two hours of your first conversation, and not wanting to trigger him with rejection while having only so many gentle ways of very clearly and straigtforwardly turning down a date.
it's fuckin weird being surrounded by such affection and feeling absolutely isolated from genuine human connection at the same time.
in general, i've been pretty okay lately. but sometimes i get caught up in my lonliness and get a lil bummed out. i'll be back to my optimistic self after i wake up in the morning i am sure. but right now? damn. shit is kinda harsh
