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i've been so down and dramatically hurt by shit lately so i'm tryin the whole gratitude thnx bye thing but like kicked up a notch lmao
i keep forgetting but i'm trying to make it a habit. lately the way someone has been treating me has brought back a hell of a lot of repressed shit from not just one, but the last two abusive relationships i was in haha HAHA and like while i know it isn't this person's fault it stresses the fuck out of me and i jump to conclusions and think they hate me and can't not be ignoring me on purpose and make fun of everything i do behind my back and i keep expecting them to say something demeaning or nasty to me in front of all our friends to try and embarrass me and twist shit around and make it sound like i'm a dumbass who just doesn't remember anything ever when really they are gas-lighting tf out of me like in broad ass daylight. omg. anyway. basically, tho, nothing that i have any logical reason to expect from this person.
in fact the exact opposite. if we were looking at this logically i don't even think i'm important enough to this person for them to ever talk to me again if they didn't have to. which is fine bc same. we just happen to have a number of mutual friends and so see each other from time to time at get togethers.
and i feel so bad, honestly. like. i feel really just ? ?!?!?!? bad??? idek what other word to use. it just feels shitty to keep expecting abuse from someone who i have zero reason to think is even remotely cruel like that. and also feels bad to realize i am still hung up over shit people did to me that i don't want to give any power to every again but boo hoo looks like it isn't that easy to just brush shit off.
but okay point: attitude of gratitude. thanking the fuck out of shit that hurts me. and rly this bitch shouldn't even be hurting me this much. we're not even friends we're just chill acquaintances who see each other a lot lmfao. that's probably another reason why it's so frustrating bc i'm just like "why ! ! ! do i even care!?"
anyway anyway anyway...
THANK YOU. thank you, you, for letting me know that i still have issues over pain i thought i had healed from that i should spend time working on. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can make efforts to release my baggage when i am ready to and THANK YOU for showing me that i wasn't as ready as i thought i was in the past. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can look to my own self for validation when i don't get it from the outside world. THANK YOU for being unabashedly yourself even when it clashes with certain parts of the world, and even when some of those parts are mine. THANK YOU for giving me permission to be unabashedly my own self, too.
i hope we really can be good friends some day, even if it takes a while. but don't feel bad it takes a while w literally everyone i'm pals w okay. thank you.
i keep forgetting but i'm trying to make it a habit. lately the way someone has been treating me has brought back a hell of a lot of repressed shit from not just one, but the last two abusive relationships i was in haha HAHA and like while i know it isn't this person's fault it stresses the fuck out of me and i jump to conclusions and think they hate me and can't not be ignoring me on purpose and make fun of everything i do behind my back and i keep expecting them to say something demeaning or nasty to me in front of all our friends to try and embarrass me and twist shit around and make it sound like i'm a dumbass who just doesn't remember anything ever when really they are gas-lighting tf out of me like in broad ass daylight. omg. anyway. basically, tho, nothing that i have any logical reason to expect from this person.
in fact the exact opposite. if we were looking at this logically i don't even think i'm important enough to this person for them to ever talk to me again if they didn't have to. which is fine bc same. we just happen to have a number of mutual friends and so see each other from time to time at get togethers.
and i feel so bad, honestly. like. i feel really just ? ?!?!?!? bad??? idek what other word to use. it just feels shitty to keep expecting abuse from someone who i have zero reason to think is even remotely cruel like that. and also feels bad to realize i am still hung up over shit people did to me that i don't want to give any power to every again but boo hoo looks like it isn't that easy to just brush shit off.
but okay point: attitude of gratitude. thanking the fuck out of shit that hurts me. and rly this bitch shouldn't even be hurting me this much. we're not even friends we're just chill acquaintances who see each other a lot lmfao. that's probably another reason why it's so frustrating bc i'm just like "why ! ! ! do i even care!?"
anyway anyway anyway...
THANK YOU. thank you, you, for letting me know that i still have issues over pain i thought i had healed from that i should spend time working on. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can make efforts to release my baggage when i am ready to and THANK YOU for showing me that i wasn't as ready as i thought i was in the past. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can look to my own self for validation when i don't get it from the outside world. THANK YOU for being unabashedly yourself even when it clashes with certain parts of the world, and even when some of those parts are mine. THANK YOU for giving me permission to be unabashedly my own self, too.
i hope we really can be good friends some day, even if it takes a while. but don't feel bad it takes a while w literally everyone i'm pals w okay. thank you.
