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venusundaeboy i sure cannot WAIT to be a mentally stable and healthy person with a positive contribution to society one of these days!!!
i was doing so good for a rly good stretch of time there and i think that's what makes the way in which i am struggling right now so incredibly devastating.
bc i really thought i'd gotten better and would never be back in this place again but all the stress i've been under folr the past two months hit me i guess bc i didn't even realize i was deteriorating until suddenly i was indulging in all my old disgusting unhealthy coping mechanisms and cannot experience average interpersonal conflict in my daily life without having a meltdown.
thankfully i've gotten better at staving off the full blown water works air show until i get home but i stilm keep ending positive interactions as a big ole downwer and i hate myself a bit for that
and i'm stuck right now between many very unfortunately conflicting places. including ones like
"you keep complaining that you want friends and now here are people telling you they want to be that so suck it up and make them happy instead of being so picky!"
and
"as i learn about what kind of people i am around i get the impression that they don't understand what i mean when i ask them to be a friend to me and i desperately wish i had the opportunity to express what i need but there never is an appropriate time it seems"
and
"i wish i could do this all by myself like i always have in the past but i am scared i don't have the energy to do so before it becomes life threatening"
and
"maybe i will just always be fuckex up. maybe i can never be the person i want to really be. maybe i'll never heal from this. maybe i can never actually realize becoming the person who i feel is my most true authentic self. so maybe it is okay for me to stop trying."
and
"all the times when i am my absolute unheathiest has been when i have tried to create close relationships with other people. and all the times in which i have been the healthiest is when all my interactions are short and distant and business business business. i might just have to forego friendships in order to live to my highest potential."
and
"i am just so lonely"
and
"god it would be so much easier to just die already"
i was doing so good for a rly good stretch of time there and i think that's what makes the way in which i am struggling right now so incredibly devastating.
bc i really thought i'd gotten better and would never be back in this place again but all the stress i've been under folr the past two months hit me i guess bc i didn't even realize i was deteriorating until suddenly i was indulging in all my old disgusting unhealthy coping mechanisms and cannot experience average interpersonal conflict in my daily life without having a meltdown.
thankfully i've gotten better at staving off the full blown water works air show until i get home but i stilm keep ending positive interactions as a big ole downwer and i hate myself a bit for that
and i'm stuck right now between many very unfortunately conflicting places. including ones like
"you keep complaining that you want friends and now here are people telling you they want to be that so suck it up and make them happy instead of being so picky!"
and
"as i learn about what kind of people i am around i get the impression that they don't understand what i mean when i ask them to be a friend to me and i desperately wish i had the opportunity to express what i need but there never is an appropriate time it seems"
and
"i wish i could do this all by myself like i always have in the past but i am scared i don't have the energy to do so before it becomes life threatening"
and
"maybe i will just always be fuckex up. maybe i can never be the person i want to really be. maybe i'll never heal from this. maybe i can never actually realize becoming the person who i feel is my most true authentic self. so maybe it is okay for me to stop trying."
and
"all the times when i am my absolute unheathiest has been when i have tried to create close relationships with other people. and all the times in which i have been the healthiest is when all my interactions are short and distant and business business business. i might just have to forego friendships in order to live to my highest potential."
and
"i am just so lonely"
and
"god it would be so much easier to just die already"
