oh to feel (self)love's keen sting

[venusundae]

[Not safe for work a little bit, but hardly in the tantalizing way haha]

Sometimes I get really nostalgic over the way I used to masturbate. Back when I was a kid (kid like seventh grade or so kid), I didn't even know what masturbating was. And then when I learned what it was, I didn't connect with the idea enough to apply the term to anything I was doing. But that's what it was. And it was definitely the most fun I've ever let myself have. I had no shame about doing things that made me feel good.
I think the only time I felt embarrassed was when I fell, once, and slammed my face into the bedside table, which was actually a square-shaped bean bag with a circle of glass over it. I had a numb lump on the end of my chin for almost a week, and felt really silly about it. And I felt funny when people asked me what had happened and shirked it off with vague "so clumsy HAHA!" excuses; still I wasn't embarrassed about anything I was actually doing. It was just the fact that I'd injured myself through lazy lack of foresight, which is embarrassing anyway.

In a way I was a really innocent kid? Not because I was free of the concepts commonly associated with purity, obviously. I was touching myself, and doing it a lot, and doing it over both an untarnished love of myself and what my body could feel, and then sometimes over (simple kind of weird) non-explicit scenes from fuzzy vhs tapes. But I was innocent because I had no clue. I had absolutely no idea what I was doing, just that I liked it and it wasn't hurting anybody. I didn't have any idea that the kinds of bodies that were exciting me at this time were ones I was not "supposed" to be excited over. I never had thoughts of "what" it was I was doing, whether I was doing it right, whether it was even right or what anybody else would think of it.
In fact if I'd had close friends I probably would have naively mentioned it in conversations where it fit. But I didn't have friends, haha, and it usually involved nudity and ~parts that were private~ which I knew in most circles meant it was not proper to speak of.

And it's a bit funny but mostly annoying that that was the most fun I ever had doing these kinds of things? Because then I got older, and I became aware of myself in relation to other people in ways I'd never thought of before, and I became more ashamed of my body and of admitting to even myself that I could like anything about it ever. And also I had to share a room again (HAHA).
So yeah. I do sometimes wish I could be a stupid kid again who doesn't know anything, for a number of reasons, one of which was good masturbation.