baby hush hush
Apr. 14th, 2016 01:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
venusundaekim taeyeon saves a life, at least for today, the day of april 14th, 2016
today is just. a really bad day. and i was an idiot and canceled my appointment earlier this week w my therapist that i would have had tomorrow, all bc he asked me if i wanted to meet in two weeks or one and that FREAKED me the FUCK out. bc i usually just go in weekly. and so then i was second guessing myself hardcore. and i felt like the "right" answer just must have been two weeks and felt stupid having the reality be anything other that that.
wow my case manager literally just called me while in the middle of making this post lmao. i've visited crisis once already this week and i'm tired of the process. bc i know they are all worried about me and they should be? i've been considering getting caught drinking just so i'll have to go to a shelter and then when i kill myself it won't be somebody from my family who has to find me you know. and i've got all these plans and all these notes i'd write. literally besides my family the majority of the people i'd address are from the clinic. i don't have many friends. maybe i'd say something to the salty skulls but they make me feel really. out of the loop a lot of the time. so idk. i've got jake and ezzy. and i'm rly grateful. i just. idk.
i've been crying all fucking day long. my dad always wants to know what the fuck it's about. it's about everything and nothing! i thought about how guilty he'd feel if i died as soon as he kicked me out. that was kinda sour. my makeup is all fucked up. and i cried singing along to and repeating taeyeon's concert version of hush hush in the car like five times and probably more once i have to leave and go pick up david. as long as i know how to love i know i'll stay alive.
maybe
today is just. a really bad day. and i was an idiot and canceled my appointment earlier this week w my therapist that i would have had tomorrow, all bc he asked me if i wanted to meet in two weeks or one and that FREAKED me the FUCK out. bc i usually just go in weekly. and so then i was second guessing myself hardcore. and i felt like the "right" answer just must have been two weeks and felt stupid having the reality be anything other that that.
wow my case manager literally just called me while in the middle of making this post lmao. i've visited crisis once already this week and i'm tired of the process. bc i know they are all worried about me and they should be? i've been considering getting caught drinking just so i'll have to go to a shelter and then when i kill myself it won't be somebody from my family who has to find me you know. and i've got all these plans and all these notes i'd write. literally besides my family the majority of the people i'd address are from the clinic. i don't have many friends. maybe i'd say something to the salty skulls but they make me feel really. out of the loop a lot of the time. so idk. i've got jake and ezzy. and i'm rly grateful. i just. idk.
i've been crying all fucking day long. my dad always wants to know what the fuck it's about. it's about everything and nothing! i thought about how guilty he'd feel if i died as soon as he kicked me out. that was kinda sour. my makeup is all fucked up. and i cried singing along to and repeating taeyeon's concert version of hush hush in the car like five times and probably more once i have to leave and go pick up david. as long as i know how to love i know i'll stay alive.
maybe
