13.d fatigue

[venusundae]

exhaustion is an excuse and has just the power of all the oceans that crash down upon your chest knocking all the air from your lungs. just the weight of canyon walls crumbling down upon you. just the strength of whipping swirling winds ripping apart homes, yours and the bird's and the rabbit's, too. exhaustion is as immense in it's hold on you as it is in how it reassures you that it has no such thing. it excuses your own passions to yourself, and it excuses your own obligations to thy neighbor. and it is in being so universal and unmysterious and plain that gives it its insidiousness.

they give you chemicals to make you smile. the more you smile the easier it is for them to turn a blind eye. and you do smile and it doesn't hurt your face but neither does it reach your eyes and every cell of your body is pulled toward the center of the planet like soul mate magnets and you can't move. you can't breathe. you can't think. you don't wake up wanting death and that's the desired side effect on paper but the reality is you don't wake up thinking of every hideous thing that hurt you because you don't wake up at all.

so you stop swallowing pills whenever you can because there is no improving a life that isn't lived and your tired heavy hands can't open the bottles anymore anyway. and every particle of your soul is pulled toward the dark and throbbing wounds of your heart and mind and body like soul mate magnets but it's a pain that is familiar. it is a limp you've learned how to dance with and dance with rather deftly, thank you. and it's a life that hurts but it's also a life you are alive to live so you'll find another way to smile.