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venusundaeso i'm working through some like ya know [dramatic gulp] BELIEFS
and it's annoying and difficult lmao but i know it's helpful. and it's especially weird feeling when you come around to understanding a belief that you know is just. so stupid. like so much Not on the same level as the person you are trying to be. like who would think this??? an eight year old!???!! (yes, probably exactly)
but look at me i guess i am writing them down! bc suddenly you accidentally open one can of worms and oh my god. there are so many worms? i knew the can was full but holy shit? and so it gets complicated just trying to Remember them all.
the one that's hittin me rly hard today is the idea that like. i've wanted to lose weight for a while. i'm not super unhealthy but i just don't feel like myself and i have stopped doing sfx makeup junk bc i feel weird taking pictures of my face and i use it as an excuse to not have fun at certain events w my friends and smh it's so much harder to buy pants rn lmao. and ofc even if i don't want to say i think so, i know that Society and Co have taught me that being fat is shameful and so there's that aspect to it as well.
the ideas i have been struggling with admitting to myself are all the reasons i am Not Allowed to lose weight. one of my least fav is the idea that if i lose weight i'll suddenly be... threatening?
one of my most persistent but easily dismissed problems in life is that a lot of people like me lmao. i think i'm like. safe. i guess i have a certain kind of emotional intelligence where i know how to speak to people in the way they wish to be spoken to? (thanks libra sun AND mercury) and so i think it creates a false sense of like genuine rapport in people's minds sometimes when i'm over here just thinking i'm doing my best to get through this interaction i don't actually want a slumber party w you after this.
so it's a weird place i am in where i know the vast majority of people i know like me more than i like them asldfhsdfd. that's also a lil my fault for being incredibly socially discriminating lately but whatever.
anyway. back to fucked up beliefs right! it's shitty to say aloud to myself when processing this junk bc it's so gross. it goes against everything you're cognitively working and growing against right? but the subconscious and conscious aren't on the same page all the time i guess so it feels icky to have to admit that part of you is running on programming you hate.
rationally i'd say no way! i don't believe that! but deeply ingrained into me at the moment is the idea that if i lost weight, i'd be seen as more attractive. not only would i have a conventionally attractive body type, i also am corny and have a fun time putting a lot of effort into the way i look, making sure my outfit is cohesive w my hair and my makeup and my bag and my morning playlist. i do that naturally and it makes me feel nice! right now as a giant marshmallow person it just contributes to me seeming colorful and fun and silly. but if i were thinner i can imagine it would make me look, instead, put-together and professional and intentional and confident.
that's what the ~programming~ is telling me anyway, right. it can be tricky deciding "that's not always true, and therefore unhelpful" over "even if i wish that was not true, i know the vast majority of society has their own similar stupid programming as well"!
i'm rather ambitious and independent, and very self-reliant. i know that. and people i work with or have become close to have told me they admire those things about me, in their own ways. and i appreciate the hell outta those compliments! but the Belief hangs over me saying that if i wasn't fat, nobody would want to tell me that. nobody would see that. they'd see you as threatening and intimidating instead of the sorry loser who needs to hear a pick me up.
yea, there's a lot of baggage here lmao.
and honestly that's just one of the many illogical ideas i've confronted in the wiring of my mind lately. i've been doing a physical detox and i guess naturally, the mental follows haha. but i guess the place to start is understanding that these ideas did serve me at one point. and probably a significant point in my life, too, if i stuck onto it that immensely. maybe it is, at certain times, helpful to work within the superficial stereotypes of the society one lives in if only to prepare oneself for the reactions from others that will probably also align with them?
wooo, i've got work to do.
and it's annoying and difficult lmao but i know it's helpful. and it's especially weird feeling when you come around to understanding a belief that you know is just. so stupid. like so much Not on the same level as the person you are trying to be. like who would think this??? an eight year old!???!! (yes, probably exactly)
but look at me i guess i am writing them down! bc suddenly you accidentally open one can of worms and oh my god. there are so many worms? i knew the can was full but holy shit? and so it gets complicated just trying to Remember them all.
the one that's hittin me rly hard today is the idea that like. i've wanted to lose weight for a while. i'm not super unhealthy but i just don't feel like myself and i have stopped doing sfx makeup junk bc i feel weird taking pictures of my face and i use it as an excuse to not have fun at certain events w my friends and smh it's so much harder to buy pants rn lmao. and ofc even if i don't want to say i think so, i know that Society and Co have taught me that being fat is shameful and so there's that aspect to it as well.
the ideas i have been struggling with admitting to myself are all the reasons i am Not Allowed to lose weight. one of my least fav is the idea that if i lose weight i'll suddenly be... threatening?
one of my most persistent but easily dismissed problems in life is that a lot of people like me lmao. i think i'm like. safe. i guess i have a certain kind of emotional intelligence where i know how to speak to people in the way they wish to be spoken to? (thanks libra sun AND mercury) and so i think it creates a false sense of like genuine rapport in people's minds sometimes when i'm over here just thinking i'm doing my best to get through this interaction i don't actually want a slumber party w you after this.
so it's a weird place i am in where i know the vast majority of people i know like me more than i like them asldfhsdfd. that's also a lil my fault for being incredibly socially discriminating lately but whatever.
anyway. back to fucked up beliefs right! it's shitty to say aloud to myself when processing this junk bc it's so gross. it goes against everything you're cognitively working and growing against right? but the subconscious and conscious aren't on the same page all the time i guess so it feels icky to have to admit that part of you is running on programming you hate.
rationally i'd say no way! i don't believe that! but deeply ingrained into me at the moment is the idea that if i lost weight, i'd be seen as more attractive. not only would i have a conventionally attractive body type, i also am corny and have a fun time putting a lot of effort into the way i look, making sure my outfit is cohesive w my hair and my makeup and my bag and my morning playlist. i do that naturally and it makes me feel nice! right now as a giant marshmallow person it just contributes to me seeming colorful and fun and silly. but if i were thinner i can imagine it would make me look, instead, put-together and professional and intentional and confident.
that's what the ~programming~ is telling me anyway, right. it can be tricky deciding "that's not always true, and therefore unhelpful" over "even if i wish that was not true, i know the vast majority of society has their own similar stupid programming as well"!
i'm rather ambitious and independent, and very self-reliant. i know that. and people i work with or have become close to have told me they admire those things about me, in their own ways. and i appreciate the hell outta those compliments! but the Belief hangs over me saying that if i wasn't fat, nobody would want to tell me that. nobody would see that. they'd see you as threatening and intimidating instead of the sorry loser who needs to hear a pick me up.
yea, there's a lot of baggage here lmao.
and honestly that's just one of the many illogical ideas i've confronted in the wiring of my mind lately. i've been doing a physical detox and i guess naturally, the mental follows haha. but i guess the place to start is understanding that these ideas did serve me at one point. and probably a significant point in my life, too, if i stuck onto it that immensely. maybe it is, at certain times, helpful to work within the superficial stereotypes of the society one lives in if only to prepare oneself for the reactions from others that will probably also align with them?
wooo, i've got work to do.
