big fat lesbian mood, am i right ladies?
May. 24th, 2019 08:01 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
venusundaethis is nsfw but not in a fun or sexy way (just an embarrassing way lmao)
i just sat in bed for a goddamn hour bc it's cold and i don't wanna get up and of course! who doesn't start thinkin stupid shit when you're looking for excuses to not have to move. and since we're still not off this time machine, i keep thinking about old relationships and all the people i tried (tried?! haha) to date and how hardcore i pushed myself to be a straight up textbook heterosexual hoe hoping i would force myself to become comfortable enough w sexual encounters that i felt "normal" in the face of not wanting to just directly deal w my trauma in an emotional way (but which turned out to just exacerbate all the issues related to said trauma)
but anyway that's not where i'm trying to go w this!
i just have Moments sometimes where i sit there thinking about every terrible sexual encounter i've ever had with a man ever and how stupid it was of me to keep getting myself into those situations as tho one day it would click and stop being painful (never happened).
today, at least, i've come to a pretty stable acceptance of that fact that i'm just a lesbian and that's all there is to it. but it doesn't stop me from being mega embarrassed by the fact that i didn't just always know or accept that - which i know is silly - and being mortified by the idea of having to come out to people who knew me during my compulsory heterosexuality phase~ which i also know is mostly silly
especially silly because honestly and truly? i cannot imagine even ONE of the men i have ever been with ever in my whole life hearing "yo turns out she's a lesbian" and not immediately saying in response "yea, that makes so much sense"
but i guess these things aren't always rational are they?!
i just sat in bed for a goddamn hour bc it's cold and i don't wanna get up and of course! who doesn't start thinkin stupid shit when you're looking for excuses to not have to move. and since we're still not off this time machine, i keep thinking about old relationships and all the people i tried (tried?! haha) to date and how hardcore i pushed myself to be a straight up textbook heterosexual hoe hoping i would force myself to become comfortable enough w sexual encounters that i felt "normal" in the face of not wanting to just directly deal w my trauma in an emotional way (but which turned out to just exacerbate all the issues related to said trauma)
but anyway that's not where i'm trying to go w this!
i just have Moments sometimes where i sit there thinking about every terrible sexual encounter i've ever had with a man ever and how stupid it was of me to keep getting myself into those situations as tho one day it would click and stop being painful (never happened).
today, at least, i've come to a pretty stable acceptance of that fact that i'm just a lesbian and that's all there is to it. but it doesn't stop me from being mega embarrassed by the fact that i didn't just always know or accept that - which i know is silly - and being mortified by the idea of having to come out to people who knew me during my compulsory heterosexuality phase~ which i also know is mostly silly
especially silly because honestly and truly? i cannot imagine even ONE of the men i have ever been with ever in my whole life hearing "yo turns out she's a lesbian" and not immediately saying in response "yea, that makes so much sense"
but i guess these things aren't always rational are they?!
