barf emoji

[venusundae]

STORYTIME: I GAVE MYSELF SPIRITUAL FOOD POISONING (LIKE IT WAS NORMAL FOOD POISONING, BUT IT CAME LIKE SPIRITUALLY OR W/E)

sooo. i've been ~clearin~ a lot lately, right. i'm trying to change my life for the better over here, and i can't go doing that w all this gross backwards shit i'm carrying around. and i've kind of been goin crazy and just doing every issue at once! one, bc i'm excited to just move tf on w my life w/o hanging on to ideas and energies and contracts and whatever else that no longer serve me. but two, bc i also know that whatever junk i have "wrong" w me (or have decided to move on from) aren't compartmentalized into litttle boxes like we like to pretend they are.

issues i have regarding money definitely melt into my self confidence which has loads to do w body image and then health and then relationships and sexuality and love and then romance and back into that whole abundance spiel and then back in on itself in every which way and through to other things i don't even know i have an issue w yet.

and a lot of it has been about recognizing the backwards fears and beliefs i got wherever along the way and are still stuck in me.

boo hoo if i have enough money to live my damn life in peace other people aree going to immediately judge me as vapid and vain and selfish and maybe even evil (and boo hoo for some reason those wrong ass assumtions would matter a lot to me). boo hoo if i am healthy and lose weight then i am going to have to face all my intimacy problems too bc i'll get the unwanted male attention that i used to get back when i was thinner and started this whole weight gain deal in the first place. boo hoo if i actually ever lived the good ass life i've always wanted to live my peers will shun me and egg my (beautiful) car bc millenials are supposed to suffer and only suffer all the time always or else they are the enemy and everything wrong.w the world boo fucking hoo.

i'm patient w myself, i promise. and i know we get weird messages from the world all the time. i just like being sarcastic toward these dumb ugly useless and unhelpful thoughts bc hah! now you're gone! and now i know what you look like if you ever came back again!

but rly it does kinda hurt goinng through and remembering where shit happened and getting all irritated that it's still w you and whatever.

it's been good tho! i feel good. i feel lighter and lighter every day. i have an easier time bouncing back from shit that upsets,me and staying optimistic rather than letting myself spiral away into dwelling on painful scary things. and frankly it's happening faster than i expected - and i expected it to be pretty quick - but nothing faster than i can handle.

anyway, lesson learned: once you start the process, at least as hard and fast and all-encompassing and comprhensive as i have, you gotta be mindful along the way or else releasing that shit,might hurt lmao.

things come up, right. like you take one box out of the attice and meander through it and organize accordingly or toss it. but then w that box out of the way you see all the other boxes behind it and open one up and it's like "oh yea, i forgot i had this shit too"

the other day i was thinking about how certain people always blame me for eating shit just bc i'm the fat one around, even tho both my skinny ass siblings slurp shit up like a hoover. and then i remembered back when i was super unhealthy and dealing w anorexia, and my dad came over w food. and i picked up a strawberry (a "safe" to eat food) and i took one bite. one bite! of that tiny fruit and my body couldn't handle any more. i was like. full. that's how bad i had gotten.

and for whatever backward reason, as i was remembering this, i missed it. i wished i was still like that. even tho it hurt me immensely and i was always miserable and had the worst coping mechanisms and was barely alive... i wanted that back bc i wanted the acceptance i got from others that i had back then. people were "proud" of me for having lost weight, even when i told them i didn't want to hear it. i was considered beautiful by people. people i didn't even care to be with, but i liked the validation. and being miserable made people pity me and try to make me feel better and at the time i became addicted to the attention bc everything else around me was far away and i couldn't feel it.

and i went to bed thinking about how i can have the same serving as everyone else at the table and still be told i eat too much, and missing the time when i was suicidal and sick just bc i was skinnier and that's what everyone needs me to be in order to grant my existence more worth... and i didn't clear it, i left it there! it was brought to my attention as something sick and gross still in my head and my conscious mind even said "haha that's fucked up" but then didn't do anything about it.

and i went to bed like that and woke up sick to my fucking stomach. it hurt so bad i was having trouble breathing, i was sweaty and trembling and woozy and i barfed my guts out multiple times in the bathroom at 1am.

it was so bad that at that point i couldn't even clear my own damn self. i was too weak and distracted w the pain so i asked my mom and luckily she was awake.

then as i started feeling better i did my own part to and asked for help myself.

nobody else in my house who ate the same shit as me feels anything wrong w them at all. so i mean. like i said. lesson learned lmao.