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Aug. 11th, 2018 05:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
venusundaei remember when i learned about the idea of ~enlightenment~ in world religions in like 6th grade or something and my first instinct was like "wow sounds cool! but i don't want to become enlightened this time around bc then i won't be able to relate to anyone lmao"
and here i am like a decade later and mega far off from being enlightened myself, but i still have the same problem i was trying to avoid tbh!
in the most recent time of my life i am the most optimistic and happy and accepting of myself and of my life as i have ever been. it's not perfect. i can not necessarily say i live my "ideal" life just yet. but i also don't accept that i cannot ever get there. i just don't accept that that's true. and i work every day in different ways to get myself there. and not all of it is material (tho once i do get there, it'll surely be the material aspect that tips people off haha)
and i've learned to let go of a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms i once had, and harmful beliefs and ways of thinking about the world and my self worth and my relationship to others. it's been very freeing! it's helped me heal a lot and it's helped me grow and deal w new bigger challenges than i ever thought possible! i'm very happy w how things are going! i feel good about things. even tho, like i said, nothing is perfect yet. but i am taking matters into my own hands and i won't take no for an answer and it's proving effective. i'm crafting my life into exactly what i want it to be w organic artistry and it is fun and rewarding and i feeeeeel rly awesome!
but omg
and i say this w like. love and understanding shit lmao.
but omg
like five times within the past week alone i've had the dullest conversations of my LIFE w people i used to rly get along w and have a nice time talking to. like people who i even considered close friends and shit (and who i guess i kind of am still pretending to consider close friends unless it gets ridiculous bc... i'm crossing my fingers they catch up? haha) bc i just like
do NOT relate anymore.
i don't understand the appeal of a lot of the petty drama weirdness they think is entertaining. i am bored to tears by the victim complex and the dark egdy cynicism that comes w it. i just don't care about the things they care to talk about. and i'm surprised nobody's commented at all about how all my conversations w them are just :) yea :) wow :) uh huh :) vapid distant response :)))))))))
and again, it's not that i wasn't once all about that shit. ofc i was! i used to be in exactly the same place as them. that's why we became friends! bc we could shoot the breeze over the same shit. but now we're just not on the same level. in like. many ways lmao.
and i'm still like... materialistic? lmao. i'm still like. grounded in a way. i can partake in the superficial at times and enjoy doing so haha. but i've steered away from anything that just doesn't damn well serve me and i think that's where the biggest issue lies.
it's not like i just suddenly became a holier than thou response robot over night, either haha. i definitely tried sharing my perspective like. multiple times. mostly just bc that's what i am used to doing w them? chiming in~ that's what a conversation w rapport is and w/e right. but it happened like once. and then again. and then again and again and i just realized i was talking to a brick wall, where i'd respond w some other (and frankly, not that radical...?) perspective on whatever my friend was ranting about and they'd say 'NO, you don't get it . . .' and repeat themselves. and i'd say like 'yes, i know. i just think this instead.' and that was too unacceptable for them i guess bc they kept insisting 'NO you just don't UNDERSTAND my perspective or else you'd vehemently agree SO let me just repeat myself again!' except it's like. every time we talk nowadays ho hum
so that sucks a little. like on principle. but probably mostly bc like...
i don't feel bad about it? and somewhere up in my head my ego is telling me that's wrong and mean, and also reminding me of when i used to be an absolute MESS over trying to be loved by everyone and now ? NOW? now you don't even care if you loose a relationship bc you don't get along w someone like you used to anymore???
and i mean. yes. haha sorry @ my old messed up self. it's not just that we don't get along. but we're just not even on the same page. we have entirely different ways of thinking about life now. it does not serve me as a person to keep interacting w them in the same way i used to - which was as friends i confided in, or, well, even just had good times hanging out w. i don't need to drop them completely or anything dramatic. but we just do not mesh. our conversations go nowhere useful or interesting or fun. and just how they don't serve me, i don't think i serve them either. they wanna stay where they are at, and that's fine. i wanted to stay in my own low place too for a very long time! i absolutely understand how that can happen and how so many factors can make you cling to your suffering bc it's easier than taking the risk and being vulnerable while trying to heal. i speak w no judgement when i say i understand why a lot of people are in the negative unhelpful mindset that they are despite thinking they'd rather be happier. i was totally there, and for a long ass time.
and i obviously got myself out of it. and i'm doing great~ haha. so i do hope and expect that others can get out of it themselves, as well. but it's not my job to do that for them. really i couldn't do it even if i wanted to (and fuck if i actually even want to lmao).
i'm not going to do anything dramatic like actually TELL anybody that we shouldn't be pals anymore or anything lmao. but i can imagine whatever needs to happen for them will happen and i'll let that be it. maybe we'll drift apart. maybe if we do we'll meet up again some other day. maybe they'll be on their own weirdly twisting path beside me while we both figure things out as people who are sometimes crossing by each other and other times miles apart. who knows! i'm not gonna worry about it.
part of me just wanted to vent and then also just document that this is how it goes i guess? not everybody moves to the same heights (or lows) at the same time and i think there's too much pressure on all of us to "correct" that. to not let it be that way. that if we decide to let someone into our lives and consider it meaningful - whether a best friend or a romantic partner or even family and the like - that it has to be eternal to remain considered in history as significant as it was. but it's rly not an issue. we've all just got our own lives to go through. and the people that are around us at particular times are definitely important, but they don't have to always be there waiting to be an accessory to me. they're their own person! even if no man is an island~ haha. and things are always changing and moving and if we let ourselves be okay w that then it's so much easier!
that being said, it'd be COOL to meet some sweet new people who can understand me better. but i know i'm not quite ready to dive into a whole new ass social group or anything haha, so i guess i'll let it happen gradually. we'll see how it goes~
and here i am like a decade later and mega far off from being enlightened myself, but i still have the same problem i was trying to avoid tbh!
in the most recent time of my life i am the most optimistic and happy and accepting of myself and of my life as i have ever been. it's not perfect. i can not necessarily say i live my "ideal" life just yet. but i also don't accept that i cannot ever get there. i just don't accept that that's true. and i work every day in different ways to get myself there. and not all of it is material (tho once i do get there, it'll surely be the material aspect that tips people off haha)
and i've learned to let go of a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms i once had, and harmful beliefs and ways of thinking about the world and my self worth and my relationship to others. it's been very freeing! it's helped me heal a lot and it's helped me grow and deal w new bigger challenges than i ever thought possible! i'm very happy w how things are going! i feel good about things. even tho, like i said, nothing is perfect yet. but i am taking matters into my own hands and i won't take no for an answer and it's proving effective. i'm crafting my life into exactly what i want it to be w organic artistry and it is fun and rewarding and i feeeeeel rly awesome!
but omg
and i say this w like. love and understanding shit lmao.
but omg
like five times within the past week alone i've had the dullest conversations of my LIFE w people i used to rly get along w and have a nice time talking to. like people who i even considered close friends and shit (and who i guess i kind of am still pretending to consider close friends unless it gets ridiculous bc... i'm crossing my fingers they catch up? haha) bc i just like
do NOT relate anymore.
i don't understand the appeal of a lot of the petty drama weirdness they think is entertaining. i am bored to tears by the victim complex and the dark egdy cynicism that comes w it. i just don't care about the things they care to talk about. and i'm surprised nobody's commented at all about how all my conversations w them are just :) yea :) wow :) uh huh :) vapid distant response :)))))))))
and again, it's not that i wasn't once all about that shit. ofc i was! i used to be in exactly the same place as them. that's why we became friends! bc we could shoot the breeze over the same shit. but now we're just not on the same level. in like. many ways lmao.
and i'm still like... materialistic? lmao. i'm still like. grounded in a way. i can partake in the superficial at times and enjoy doing so haha. but i've steered away from anything that just doesn't damn well serve me and i think that's where the biggest issue lies.
it's not like i just suddenly became a holier than thou response robot over night, either haha. i definitely tried sharing my perspective like. multiple times. mostly just bc that's what i am used to doing w them? chiming in~ that's what a conversation w rapport is and w/e right. but it happened like once. and then again. and then again and again and i just realized i was talking to a brick wall, where i'd respond w some other (and frankly, not that radical...?) perspective on whatever my friend was ranting about and they'd say 'NO, you don't get it . . .' and repeat themselves. and i'd say like 'yes, i know. i just think this instead.' and that was too unacceptable for them i guess bc they kept insisting 'NO you just don't UNDERSTAND my perspective or else you'd vehemently agree SO let me just repeat myself again!' except it's like. every time we talk nowadays ho hum
so that sucks a little. like on principle. but probably mostly bc like...
i don't feel bad about it? and somewhere up in my head my ego is telling me that's wrong and mean, and also reminding me of when i used to be an absolute MESS over trying to be loved by everyone and now ? NOW? now you don't even care if you loose a relationship bc you don't get along w someone like you used to anymore???
and i mean. yes. haha sorry @ my old messed up self. it's not just that we don't get along. but we're just not even on the same page. we have entirely different ways of thinking about life now. it does not serve me as a person to keep interacting w them in the same way i used to - which was as friends i confided in, or, well, even just had good times hanging out w. i don't need to drop them completely or anything dramatic. but we just do not mesh. our conversations go nowhere useful or interesting or fun. and just how they don't serve me, i don't think i serve them either. they wanna stay where they are at, and that's fine. i wanted to stay in my own low place too for a very long time! i absolutely understand how that can happen and how so many factors can make you cling to your suffering bc it's easier than taking the risk and being vulnerable while trying to heal. i speak w no judgement when i say i understand why a lot of people are in the negative unhelpful mindset that they are despite thinking they'd rather be happier. i was totally there, and for a long ass time.
and i obviously got myself out of it. and i'm doing great~ haha. so i do hope and expect that others can get out of it themselves, as well. but it's not my job to do that for them. really i couldn't do it even if i wanted to (and fuck if i actually even want to lmao).
i'm not going to do anything dramatic like actually TELL anybody that we shouldn't be pals anymore or anything lmao. but i can imagine whatever needs to happen for them will happen and i'll let that be it. maybe we'll drift apart. maybe if we do we'll meet up again some other day. maybe they'll be on their own weirdly twisting path beside me while we both figure things out as people who are sometimes crossing by each other and other times miles apart. who knows! i'm not gonna worry about it.
part of me just wanted to vent and then also just document that this is how it goes i guess? not everybody moves to the same heights (or lows) at the same time and i think there's too much pressure on all of us to "correct" that. to not let it be that way. that if we decide to let someone into our lives and consider it meaningful - whether a best friend or a romantic partner or even family and the like - that it has to be eternal to remain considered in history as significant as it was. but it's rly not an issue. we've all just got our own lives to go through. and the people that are around us at particular times are definitely important, but they don't have to always be there waiting to be an accessory to me. they're their own person! even if no man is an island~ haha. and things are always changing and moving and if we let ourselves be okay w that then it's so much easier!
that being said, it'd be COOL to meet some sweet new people who can understand me better. but i know i'm not quite ready to dive into a whole new ass social group or anything haha, so i guess i'll let it happen gradually. we'll see how it goes~
