i like just the way you are

STORYTIME: I GAVE MYSELF SPIRITUAL FOOD POISONING (LIKE IT WAS NORMAL FOOD POISONING, BUT IT CAME LIKE SPIRITUALLY OR W/E) ( am i a legit youtuber yet )

"yea i gotta do something about those rugburns"

"rugburns?"

"i've got bleeding rugburns on my ass from dragging it for so long not working on my car"

boy howdy miscommunication sure is the name of the game this month isn't it!!!

and frankly when you're bending over backwards to make up for everyone else's lack when you have just as much shit keeping you tired and overworked and overwhelmed as anybody else's excuses it's hard to have sympathy 100% of the time

watched, not one, but TWO long ass movies today wow

one was just now that my dad and i streamed on his fancy tv called the net that i knew nothing about but said we should watch it just bc i saw sandra bullock in the thumbnail and i have like an admiration crush on her lmao. topical technology skepticism plus corny colorful late nineties graphics did not disappoint

we also went and saw hereditary in theatres earlier today. i did notice how long it was taking like twice during the movie but i didn't consider it a complaint like the rest of my family. it was like two hours of characters nervously looking around tho lmao.

my actual complaint is p edgy tho but frankly i can't enjoy movies w ~ooo spooky occult~ twists bc, being steeped neck deep in this shit i can't ever 100% separate myself from the "er that's not quite how that works" thoughts i have throughout. i was invested in the story! it was an entertaining time and i'd recommend it. and i was even on the edge of my seat wondering what would happen the whole time.

both movies did make me think of something today that i guess is the real reason i'm writing. which is that honestly people are what's scary. it freaks me out that anybody could be lying to you and manipulating you at any time and when you crave love - not even in a dramatic broken woe is me i'm so desperate kind of way but just a normal ass average human kind of way - you can find it very easy to believe people at face value and not catch on until it is too late.

i think i am still struggling w the pain of being lied to and manipulated in not insignificant ways in the past. and bc i'm still as honest as ever - maybe even more so every day - it's scary. i try so hard to be as honest as i can every day as a person who hates confrontation! and i want to give people the benefit of the doubt i really do. but even then it takes me forever to trust people or even feel reasonably comfortable around them and i can't stop thinking about how i chose to be forgiving and patient even when i got signs to geg myself out and now i'm scared i can't trust own self to listen to my intuition when it speaks against my sad need for affection (coupled w my uncanny ability to draw to me fucked up people lmfao).

i should probs do some work on this for myself ho hum

i'm baking a cannoli cake for our ~luminescent lyricists meeting~ tomorrow (which is where whitney and brenna and i get together and try to write a monologue but rly just chat for hours and also reschedule a hundred times) and david is helping me (which means he hands me cinammon when i'm busy mixing and licks every bowl and utensil i finish with)

so memorable stupid david quotes from the night:

▷ i poured some of the topping on his hand so he can taste it and accidentally got it on like the entire length of his finger and he was like it "that's okay, just practice for the future" (no, neither of us know what that means)

▷ then "what if the cat actually like secretes ricotta cheese and that's why he licks himself all the time bc he just tastes so good."

▷ "ricatta"

▷ [insert the rest of the night talking about equivalent exchange of secreting then eating ricatta and other related weird shit]

honestly the night keeps going on and i can't even write down some of the shit this kid says and have it make sense lmfao i need a reality camera crew for him or something

i had NEVER been to goodwill on half price saturday. and like. holy shit. i mean i get it, truly. luv me some discounts as much as the next bitch, i just hadn't been so i didn't know to expect ailse long lines for each register that move like molasses bc there is a price dispute for every 10th item, and everyone's got piles.

i honestly should have tho.

i was only there to get props for comedy of errors. and in the ages we spent in line the lady behind me tried to make small talk, saying "you must be a collector" about two cabbage patch kids dolls i was holding and i has to be that creep who is all hrmnnn no actually i just need their bodies so i'm going to rip their heads off and toss them! har har!

"oh that's kinda sad... but at least your money is going to a good cause."

i've been so down and dramatically hurt by shit lately so i'm tryin the whole gratitude thnx bye thing but like kicked up a notch lmao

i keep forgetting but i'm trying to make it a habit. lately the way someone has been treating me has brought back a hell of a lot of repressed shit from not just one, but the last two abusive relationships i was in haha HAHA and like while i know it isn't this person's fault it stresses the fuck out of me and i jump to conclusions and think they hate me and can't not be ignoring me on purpose and make fun of everything i do behind my back and i keep expecting them to say something demeaning or nasty to me in front of all our friends to try and embarrass me and twist shit around and make it sound like i'm a dumbass who just doesn't remember anything ever when really they are gas-lighting tf out of me like in broad ass daylight. omg. anyway. basically, tho, nothing that i have any logical reason to expect from this person.

in fact the exact opposite. if we were looking at this logically i don't even think i'm important enough to this person for them to ever talk to me again if they didn't have to. which is fine bc same. we just happen to have a number of mutual friends and so see each other from time to time at get togethers.

and i feel so bad, honestly. like. i feel really just ? ?!?!?!? bad??? idek what other word to use. it just feels shitty to keep expecting abuse from someone who i have zero reason to think is even remotely cruel like that. and also feels bad to realize i am still hung up over shit people did to me that i don't want to give any power to every again but boo hoo looks like it isn't that easy to just brush shit off.

but okay point: attitude of gratitude. thanking the fuck out of shit that hurts me. and rly this bitch shouldn't even be hurting me this much. we're not even friends we're just chill acquaintances who see each other a lot lmfao. that's probably another reason why it's so frustrating bc i'm just like "why ! ! ! do i even care!?"

anyway anyway anyway...

THANK YOU. thank you, you, for letting me know that i still have issues over pain i thought i had healed from that i should spend time working on. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can make efforts to release my baggage when i am ready to and THANK YOU for showing me that i wasn't as ready as i thought i was in the past. THANK YOU for reminding me that i can look to my own self for validation when i don't get it from the outside world. THANK YOU for being unabashedly yourself even when it clashes with certain parts of the world, and even when some of those parts are mine. THANK YOU for giving me permission to be unabashedly my own self, too.

i hope we really can be good friends some day, even if it takes a while. but don't feel bad it takes a while w literally everyone i'm pals w okay. thank you.

ooo that feel when you wake up ready to take on the damn DAY and party it up and get important shit the fuck DONE and fight evil and win love and you're so pumped you draw a tarot card for the day and it's the fuckin moon

alright fine whatever meditation is fine too as tho i don't ruminate all the damn time anyway

edit: WOW i forgot i had therapy today lmao boy howdy wasn't that a buzzkill flkdshl

 "if you thank them it'll totally freak them out"

so i did. i said thank you for reminding me of how far i've come, how much progress i've made and how i'm that much closer to being exactly where i want to truly be, for bringing me back to where i was for a moment in order to remind me of the gratitude i have for where i am now